16th Play of 50: Who’s Your Brother-Baby-Daddy?

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 242012
 

Who’s Your Brother-Baby-Daddy?

With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt

 

Lights up on a table at a restaurant.  There are three people sitting at the table, each one is looking at a menu.  There’s silence as JOANNE puts down her menu, picks up a glass of water, and takes sip.  As she does so, JASON lowers his menu and looks at JOANNE.  She smiles and says nothing.  JASON returns to looking at his menu.  JULIE puts her menu on her plate, nervously picks it up again, puts it down, and looks at JOANNE.

JULIE
Joanne?

JOANNE
What?

JULIE
Do you know what you want to order?

JOANNE
I do…

JULIE
What are you getting?

JOANNE
I’ll start with the house salad and then have the red snapper.

JULIE
And?

JOANNE
And what?

JULIE
What are you going to have with the snapper?

JOANNE (looking at the menu)
Uhhh, whatever it comes with?  Rice and a vegetable?  Something like that?

JULIE
Uh huh.

JOANNE looks at JULIE bewildered and then over to MARK.

JOANNE
Mark, what are you having?

MARK
I’m not sure yet.  I hear they have great burgers here, but I’m not sure that I want something that heavy, you know?

JOANNE
I know what you mean.  I had a big lunch, so I don’t need a huge dinner.

JULIE
You really should be eating a lot of protein.

JOANNE
I’m eating protein, Julie, you don’t have to worry.

JULIE
Worry?  Who said I’m worrying?  I’m just saying…

MARK
You’re worrying, Joanne, I can tell.  You’ve got that edge in your voice.

JULIE (sharply)
What edge?

JOANNE and MARK look at each other knowingly.

JULIE (sharply again)
What?

JOANNE and MARK (laughing)
That one.

JULIE
Very funny.

MARK
It is actually.  You are so tense about everything all the sudden.

JOANNE
It’s not all the sudden.  She’s like this all the time.  You just don’t see it cause you’re not around all the time.

JULIE
That’s not true!

JOANNE
OK, I lied.  She’s as cool as a cucumber all the time.

JOANNE and MARK laugh together again.  JULIE fumes.

JULIE
If you two are going to keep having these little “private giggles” together, I’m leaving.

MARK
Private giggles?  We’re giggling right in front of you, Jules!

They laugh again.  JULIE slams her menu down.

JULIE
STOP IT!

There is silence as all three look around as if other restaurant patrons are looking at them.

JOANNE
Why are you being so sensitive about everything?

MARK (trying to calm her)
Yeah, c’mon, we’re just having fun.  This is supposed to be a celebration.

JULIE
Neither of you seem to be taking any of this very seriously, and I’m getting sick of being the only one who’s worried.

JOANNE
Well, maybe you should stop worrying about it.  There’s nothing to worry about.

JULIE
This is how it goes with you, Joanne.  You always act like I’m the one making a big deal out of everything and—

JOANNE
That’s because you usually do.

JULIE
Well, this is a big deal.  You haven’t been eating like the doctor told you to.  And now it may jeopardize the baby and—

JOANNE
Whoa.  Julie.  We don’t even know if there’s a baby to worry about.  There’s no guarantee that it took.

JULIE
But—

JOANNE
And I have been eating the way the doctor suggested.  I lost the weight she suggested, I changed my protein intake like she suggested, and I’ve been exercising to prep for carrying the baby.  What more do you want me to do?

JULIE
I want you to take is seriously.

JOANNE
I am taking it seriously.  I’m just not catastrophizing it from the moment of conception.  If there’s even anything conceived.

MARK
Jules, you’ve got to calm down about this.  Less stress will be better all around.

JULIE
I know, but—

MARK
But what?

JULIE
I just don’t know what else to do.  Worrying is really the only contribution I can make.

JOANNE
What’s that supposed to mean?

JULIE
I’m just not feeling very included.

MARK
Jules—

JULIE
Mark, shut up for a second.  You may be the donor and my brother, but this is about me for a second.

JOANNE
We talked about this before we asked Mark.  You said you were fine with your brother being the donor.  You were the one who suggested we ask him.

JULIE
I know I did, and I’m fine with him.  I want our baby to have some of my family DNA, not some random dudes genetic material.

MARK
It is good DNA.

JULIE
Mark, please?

MARK
OK.  Quieting down.  Why don’t I just go to the restroom for a minute and let you two figure this out.

MARK gets up to go, but JOANNE stops him.

JOANNE
No, sit down.  There’s no reason for you to go anywhere.  We’re perfectly fine discussing this with you.

JULIE
I’m not—

JOANNE
OK, Jules. Listen very carefully to what saying to you.  I’ve said it before and you obviously aren’t listening, so I’ll say it again.  We’ve wanted a baby for a long time.

JULIE
Five years.

JOANNA
What did I say?  Yes.  Five years.  You tried for three of those years to get pregnant, and it never took.  You kept insisting that you wanted to be the biological mother, but it’s not in the cards.   This biological DNA compromise was to ask your brother.  And Mark agreed.  He may be your baby brother, but he’s also now potentially the father of this baby.  If there’s even a baby to worry about yet.  But whatever happens, I’m not going to go through with it if you’re going to act like this for nine months and then eighteen years.  I’m not going to raise a child with a jealous person.

JULIE
Jealous person?

JOANNE
You heard what I said.

JULIE
How am I a jealous person?  I’m just trying to make sure that you do the right things for the baby. Do you think this about me being jealous of Mark?  That I’m worrying and nagging because of something else?

JOANNE
I don’t know.  You tell me.

JULIE
Don’t pull all this psycho babble crap on me.  Save it for your patients.

JULIE gets up to go.

MARK
Julie—

JULIE
Mark, shut up.

JOANNE
Don’t talk to him that way.

JULIE (sits back down, angry)
Who are you in this relationship with now?  Him or me?

JOANNE
That’s a stupid question.

JULIE
Is it?  Mark?

MARK
Why would I be in a relationship with Joanne?

JULIE
You certainly seem more interested in her now.

MARK
What are you talking about?

JULIE
You text her to make sure she’s feeling OK.  You kept texting about her temperature.

MARK
I wanted to know when she was ovulating!

JULIE
Why should you even care?

MARK
Uh, I am helping out here.  In kind of a big way.

JULIE
Right, but I thought you were going to be pretty removed.  When we asked you, you said that you didn’t really want much to do with the baby other than providing the sperm.

MARK
Right.

JULIE
That seems to have changed.

MARK
Nothing’s changed, Jules!  You’re the one who invited me to participate.  You’re also the one who invited me to dinner.  Why are you inviting me to these things if you want me to be silent or absent?

There is silence.  JOANNE looks at JULIE.

JOANNE
What’s the answer?

JULIE
What?

JOANNE
Answer your brother’s question.

JULIE
I invited you because I’m trying to include you and thank you.  But it’s really hard.  Harder than I thought.  If this sticks, you two will have something shared that I’ll never have with either of you.  I will always be the outsider.

MARK
What are you talking about?  You and Joanne will be the parents.  I’ll be the uncle.  That’s what we agreed.

JOANNE
Julie…

JULIE
I know, I know.  I know all of that.  But it was easier to say it would be OK and harder to accept it.  Now that it’s a reality.

JOANNE
Might be a reality.

JULIE
Right.

MARK
Maybe it didn’t even work.  Maybe I have bad sperm.

JOANNE
That’s not what the fertility doctor said, but…

MARK
But?

JOANNE
Is that what we should be hoping for?  Julie?

JULIE
What?

MARK
That I have bad sperm?  So that this doesn’t take?

JULIE
No, of course not.

There’s a pause.  JOANNE speaks first.

JOANNE
Are you sure?

JULIE looks at JOANNE then at MARK.  She picks up the menu and goes back to trying to make a choice.

JULIE
I’m really torn between steak and the pasta.  Joanne, what are you having again?

And as MARK and JOANNE stare at JULIE, the lights fade to black.

 

 Posted by at 5:55 pm

15th Play of 50: Big Gay Gradual Release

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 162012
 

 

Big Gay Gradual Release

With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt and to Pearson and Gallagher (1983) for the term.

 

Lights up to find three men standing against a wall.  There is loud music playing and lights flashing.  The guys are each holding a drink.  Two of them, MARK and PAT, are standing close together.  They wear jeans and tight t-shirts, typical NYC gay club uniform.  They are in their early 30s.  Similar looking.  A matched set, if you will.

The third guy, TOM, stands near them.  The three are at the club together.  TOM is looking out into the crowd, searching for someone.  He wears a pair of board shorts and is otherwise bare-chested.  His own t-shirt is tucked into the waistband of the shorts.  He’s also got sunglasses on.  TOM is younger, maybe 25.

PAT
How much longer do we have to stay here?

MARK
As long as we have to, Pat.

PAT (drinking)
I hope you’ve got a lot of cash or a bottomless credit card, cause if we have to stay here much longer, I’m going to have keep drinking.  A lot.

MARK
Would you stop complaining?  We came here all the time.  And if my memory serves me correctly, Mark, you used to love it.

PAT
Right.  Emphasis on “used to.”  This place is so tired.  All these really young guys in here acting like maniacs.  Shirts off.

MARK
Is the shirts off part really such a torture for you?

PAT
Uh, more of an awful reminder that the metabolism slows way down in the 30s.  Waaaay down.  (He drains his drink.)

TOM
You want another?

PAT
Yeah, I–

MARK
In a few minutes.  Pace yourself, Tiger.  It’s gonna be a bumpy night.

TOM
Hey!  I know that line!  It’s from The Women, right?

PAT
No.  Not quite.

MARK
Right actress, wrong movie.  It was actually All About Eve.

TOM
Right.  Crap.  Sorry.  Still learning the lingo.

PAT (to MARK)
Lingo?

MARK
Just humor him, please?

TOM
If you guys don’t want anything, I’m gonna go get another drink from the bar.

MARK
Sounds good.  We’ll wait here.

PAT
Yeah, we’ll just be hear against the wall, watching the world dance by.

TOM
Is that a song lyric?

PAT
No, but it should’ve been.

TOM goes off to get his drink.  PAT and MARK stand silently for a moment.

MARK
Thanks for coming out with me.  I know you hate this place now.

PAT
I don’t hate it, Mark.  I just don’t like how old it makes me feel.  It’s like I’m everyone’s old uncle in here.  And it’s hard not stare and then I get caught and I feel like some kind of troll.

MARK
Trolls are much older, Pat.  You’re no wheres near being a troll.  You’ve got like 20 years or so left before you get that designation.

PAT
Thanks.  Very comforting.  Why did he want to come here again?

MARK
He said that he’s been reading about this place ever since he came out, and he wanted his big brother to bring him to his first gay club in the city.

PAT
I still can’t believe that you’re brother’s gay, Mark.  I never once suspected any of it, and I have really good Gay-Dar.

MARK
Gay-Dar is good but not flawless.

PAT
I know, but—

MARK
Remember what happened in Amsterdam?

PAT
Please don’t bring that up.

MARK
That Russian guy nearly decked you.

PAT
He looked like one of those East European porn guys!  I thought for sure it was him.  I just wanted an autograph.

MARK
But asking for one by grabbing his ass at the bar proved to be not the best approach.

PAT
It was Amsterdam for Christ’s sake!  Everyone’s supposed to be “sooo open” in Amsterdam.

MARK
“Sooo open” doesn’t mean it’s a “Please Touch Museum.”

PAT
Well, I’m just glad you took Russian in college.  Your quick thinking saved my face.  What did you say to him anyway?  You wouldn’t tell me.  Said I was too drunk to remember what you said anyway.

MARK
I told him that you had some disease that caused you to have involuntary spasms.

PAT
You did not.

MARK
I did.

PAT
You knew how to say that?  After two semesters of Russian?

MARK
I had a creative teacher for Russian.  He liked to teach us alternative phrases.  One who class was dedicated to bar pick up lines, embarrassing excuses, and apologies.

PAT
And that was one of them?

MARK
Yeah.  I think my teacher might have been gay and a little bit of a perv.  He was from Spain—

PAT
Teaching Russian?

MARK
Yeah, and his wife taught Chemistry.

PAT
Very weird.

MARK
Anyway, I would always bump into him on the street, and he’d always ask me when I was going to come swimming at the gym.

PAT
Creepy.

MARK
Big time.  He was kind of handsome, in a teacher kind of way, but he definitely creeped me out a bit.  But you owe your face, so we shouldn’t be too catty about him.

TOM returns with another drink.

MARK
Are you having a good time, Baby Bro?

TOM
Maarrrkkk, please don’t call me “Baby Bro” when we’re out in public like this.  How am I ever gonna meet a guy if you call me “Baby Bro.”

PAT
You oughta let some of these guys here him call you that.  It might be your express ticket to getting laid.

MARK
Pat!

TOM
Very funny.

PAT
It’s the truth!  Guys like this Bro thing, and I’m sure some of these older guys are looking for younger bro types for no strings fun.

MARK
You sound like a craigslist ad.

PAT
In my line of work, it’s important to know the language of the people.

TOM
You work in a costume shop.  How is Craigslist the language of those people?

PAT
Listen, honey.  I do fittings with every tight-bodied chorus boy in this city.  I’ve seen more dance-belted ass crack than I care to remember.  Every one of those boys has zero percent body fat, and all they do is piss and moan about how they never have time for a date.  They’re soooo busy all the time.  Dancing, performing,  whooping it up, smoking outside the stage door.  Whatever.  So I know a thing or two about what some of these guys are looking for.  Don’t question your brother-in-law’s knowledge base about fag language.

TOM
OK.  Sorry—

MARK
Pat–?

PAT
For someone who’s only been out for three months, you’ve got a lot to say about how things work.

MARK
That’s enough, Pat.

TOM
I barely said—

PAT
And another thing.  Why don’t you put your goddamned shirt back on?

MARK
Pat, that’s enough.

TOM
It’s hot in here, Pat. Lay off.

MARK
Pat, you need to relax.

PAT
I don’t know why he wore that ridiculous pair of board shorts.  He looks like a fucking Hawaiian Punch commercial.  Or an episode of Jersey Shore.

TOM
Why are you being such a dick all the sudden?  Three hours ago you couldn’t wait to come here.  You can just go if you don’t want to be here.  Mark, just go.

MARK
We’re not going.

PAT
Why are we staying here?  He just said we could go.

MARK
I’m not leaving him in this club by himself.

PAT
Why not?

TOM
Yeah, why not?

MARK
Because you’ve only been out for three months.

TOM
So?

MARK
Somebody needs to watch out for you.

TOM
Why?  I’m a big boy, Mark.

MARK
You may be a big boy, but there are shitty people in places like this.

TOM
I’ve been to gay bars before.  Just because I’m out for three months doesn’t mean I’ve only been going to these places for three months.

PAT
Right.

MARK
Shut up, Pat.

TOM
You need to let me figure this out, Mark.  I’m not going to figure it out if you hold my hand through it.

MARK
But you said you wanted to go to this club for the first time with me.

TOM
Yeah, just like we went to a baseball game together or an amusement park.  You didn’t have to hold my hand when we did that, did you?

MARK
No, but—

PAT
He’s got a point, Mark.

MARK
I said to stay out of this!

PAT
I’m not going to stay out of this!  I’ve been standing here with you all night.  You keep watching over him like a hawk, he wants to meet people.  He needs to be here a along, Mark.  We walked him in, we showed him around, you two gay brothers have been here together–

TOM
–which is what I wanted–

PAT
–and now it’s time for us to let him figure the rest out himself.  Do you have a key?

MARK
But–

PAT
And you know how to get back to the apartment?

TOM
3 blocks north and 2 long blocks east.

PAT
Exactly.

MARK
We can’t–

TOM
Yes, you can.

PAT
Yes, we can.

TOM
Thanks.

PAT
If you meet someone, bring him to our place so you won’t go somewhere alone.  It might upset your brother to hear you getting it on, so keep the noise down a bit.  And there are condoms in the nightstand next to the bed in the guestroom.

MARK
Why are there condoms in that nightstand?

PAT
Guests get laid too, honey, not just you.

TOM
T-M-I

MARK
Ditto on that.

PAT
Oh, c’mon.  Who are you trying to kid?  Do you really expect anyone to believe otherwise?

MARK
I can’t believe that you’re–

TOM
OK, boys.  Why don’t you two continue this on the walk home.  I’ll be here for another couple of hours, so there’s plenty of time for you to fight it out then fuck it out and be sound asleep when I get home.

PAT
Fight it out then fuck it out.  That’s a good one.  I’m going to use that if you don’t mind.

TOM
Not mine, so feel free.

MARK
Are you sure you want us to leave?

PAT
He’s sure.

TOM
I’m sure.  Thanks for bringing me.  I won’t forget being here with you.

MARK
Be careful.

TOM
I will.

PAT
Let’s go, Auntie Em.  We have to fight it out on the way home.  And then follow your baby brother’s advise when we get into the apartment.

PAT kisses MARK on the forehead and leads him out of the club.  TOM watches them go, then turns back to look into the club as the music and lights come back up to full.  After a moment, he makes eye contact with someone, points to his chest and mouths “Me?” then smiles broadly, downs his drink and heads out into the dance floor as the lights black out.

 Posted by at 2:31 pm

14th Play of 50: Very Vanilla

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 102012
 

Very Vanilla

With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt.

For Nicole

 

Lights up to find JANICE, a young woman of 26, with a clothespin clipped to her nose.  She is wearing bright yellow rubber gloves, and she holds an aerosol can and a toilet brush.

Do you ever wonder what would happen if the whole world smelled the same?  Like you know, Pine Fresh Scent, maybe?  Life would be so much easier.  Or even just the bathroom.  Maybe that would be helpful.  Like no matter what anyone did in there, it would ALWAYS smell like Apple and Cinnamon.  Wouldn’t that be a dream?  Or the locker room at the gym.  What if no matter how many sweaty bras and wet towels there were laying around, it always smelled like Grandmother’s Potpourri?  Or the cat’s litter box!  What if no matter how long I waited to scoop it, it always smelled like—

JANICE looks down at the can in her hand and reads the label.

JANICE
“Very Vanilla.”  Aaahhhhhh!   Ahhhh!  Ugh!  Ack!

JANICE drops the can like it’s 120 degrees.  The lights fill in and a large kitchen is revealed.  Small table, two chairs, and cabinets.  JERRY runs in from another room.  He has on soccer shorts and a t-shirt. He’s the same age as JANICE, handsome, tan.  JANICE is still screaming, making dry heaving sounds.

JERRY
Janice!  JANICE!  What’s wrong?  Can you breathe?

JANICE (pointing at the can on the floor, between heaves)
Very Vanilla?

JERRY
What?

JANICE
VERY VANILLA?

JERRY (picking up the can)
Very Vanilla.  So?

JANICE
I’ve told you before about vanilla, Jerry.

JERRY
What are you talking about?

JANICE
I can’t have vanilla in the apartment.  I’ve told you before.  When I smell vanilla it makes me, you know— (she heaves again)

JERRY
No, actually you told me that when you eat vanilla foods that you throw up.  You never said anything about smelling vanilla.  Since when is it about the smell too.

JANICE
Eat, smell, what’s the difference?

JERRY
Uh, there’s a big difference as far as I can tell.  Mouth.  Nose.

JANICE
The sense of taste is closely linked to smell, Jerry, so I can’t have vanilla anything in the apartment.

JERRY
Does that include the vanilla-flavored lube I have in my room?

JANICE
That’s disgusting.

JERRY
Maybe, but it makes life a whole lot easier sometimes.  Trust me.  (He looks at the can, takes off the top)  Does this stuff really smell like vanilla?  (He goes to spray it)

JANICE
DON’T YOU DARE!  I just told you that I can’t smell vanilla.  I’ll throw up immediately and be sick for the rest of the day.

JERRY puts the top back on the can, sets the can down on the floor and slowly backs away, as if it’s some kind of toxic chemical.

JERRY
Better?

JANICE
Yes.  But why are you leaving it on the floor?  Can’t you just take it out to the garbage?

JERRY
I just bought that can at the grocery store.  I’m not throwing it away.

JANICE
But it’s going to make me sick.

JERRY
You’re wearing rubber gloves and a clothespin on your nose.  How’s it going to even come in contact with you?  And what were you doing anyway?

JANICE
Cleaning the bathroom.

JERRY
Again?

JANICE
Yes, again.  It’s disgusting.

JERRY
You just cleaned it yesterday.  And then again the day before that.  I can barely breathe in there because the it smells so “clean.”  You clean again, and the EPA will be over here testing our bathtub drain for chemical run off.

JANICE
Well, if you would wipe up your dribbles after you finished peeing, maybe I wouldn’t have to clean all the time.  Or rinsed the sink out after you shaved.  Or—

JERRY
I do rinse the sink out after I shave.

JANICE
Well you don’t do it carefully enough.  I found a whisker in there again this morning.

JERRY
A whisker? Did you get your magnifying glass out?

JANICE
Stop making fun of me.

JERRY
I’m not making fun of you.  I just can’t believe that you’ve suddenly turned into some kind of bionic woman when it comes to spotting my whiskers and pee dribbles.

JANICE
Just throw it away, please?

JERRY
What?

JANICE (pointing)
The can of vanilla.

JERRY
I’m not going to waste $2.99 because you’re crazy.

JANICE
I AM NOT CRAZY.  I HAVE A HEALTH CONDITION.

JERRY
Who diagnosed the health condition?

JANICE
I did.

JERRY
How?

JANICE
Online.

JERRY
You diagnosed yourself online?

JANICE
Yes.

JERRY
Now I’m really not throwing it away.

JANICE
I looked at a lot of sites, and they all confirmed that I have an allergy to vanilla tastes and scents.  If you don’t believe me, fine.  But if you wake up one day and find me dead, you’ll know the cause, especially if you spray that aerosol can.

JERRY
I’ll take this and keep it in my room, and use it in my space if I need to.  How about that?  With no air conditioning in this new apartment that we’ve moved into, it’s bound to get a little smelly at times.

JANICE
But if you spray it in your room, it’ll still make me sick.

JERRY
I’m not talking about fumigating the place, Janice.  Jesus!  It’s air freshener!

JANICE
Can’t you just throw it out?  I’ll pay you for the can.

JERRY
I’m not throwing out the can!   How many times do I have to tell you?  I’m taking it to my room (he picks up the can), and I’ll use it in my space if I need to.  And I’ll make sure that I only use it if the window is open and my door is shut.  Fair?

JANICE glowers at him.

JANICE
Fine.  It’s not FAIR, but that’s beside the point.  You don’t care about me.  Fine!  Just pee all over the toilet rim, stink up the place, and make messes all the time. FINE!  YOU’RE A JERK!!!

JANICE stomps off to her room, and a door slams.

JERRY turns to the audience.

JERRY
Do you ever wonder what would happen if roommates never argued?  You know?  Like the cable bill was always paid on time so it never got shut off?  Wouldn’t that be great?  Or you wouldn’t have to listen to your roommate having sex with her boyfriend at all hours of the night, especially when she’s a yeller?  Or how about never having to worry about finding her hair wrapped around your comb because she has no control over where it lands when she brushes it?  And how about…

As JERRY speaks the above lines, the lights begin to fade slowly, until finally, black out.

 Posted by at 7:03 pm

13th Play of 50: The Power of Johnny

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 032012
 

The Power of Johnny

With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt.

For the Wombats

 

SALLY and GINGER are two secretaries.  They are sitting at desks that face one another.  Each desk has a telephone and a computer.  The chairs at the desks swivel, allowing for the actresses to adjust for the audience and sightlines.  Each desk is backed by a cubicle wall.  GINGER’s cubicle wall is bare, save for one picture of Johnny Depp, from the “21 Jump Street” era.  GINGER is 45, brunette, and loud, both vocally and in her clothing choices.  She also likes to chew gum.  SALLY’s cubicle wall is full of decorations.  She’s got a Boston Celtics pennant, images of London and the Royal Family, including William and Kate, and Star Wars characters.  SALLY is about 28, quiet, bookish, blonde, with glasses, and her hair is pulled back tightly.

As the lights come up, the boss, MARCUS, is standing over SALLY’s desk.  MARCUS is 33, dark hair, piercing eyes, handsome.  He is talking quietly to SALLY, who giggles nervously.  MARCUS is dressed in business attire, but his shirt sleeves are rolled up, and he clearly has a tattoo on his right arm.  He references it in quiet comments to SALLY.  While all of this is going on, GINGER is filing her nails.

MARCUS
And so that’s the story.  It was a dare, I was drunk, and I barely remember.  Kappa Delta Rho was a wild time, Sally.

SALLY (nervously)
It must have been so cool though.  President of the fraternity and all.

MARCUS
Well, that was only for one year, but yeah, it was cool.  So when were you there?

SALLY
Oh, I was never there.  I didn’t go to frat parties.

MARCUS
No, I mean when were you at U of M?

SALLY
Ooohhh.  (giggles nervously)  I was there from 2002 to 2006.

MARCUS
Ah, so you missed us.  That was the year after we got kicked off campus.

SALLY (taken aback)
Oh?

MARCUS
Huge misunderstanding.  Guys and girls kiss all the time.   Richard Dawson never asked any of those women on “Family Feud” for permission to kiss them.

SALLY
Excuse me?

GINGER’s phone rings.  She does not answer it and keeps filing her nails.  The phone keeps ringing.

MARCUS
The university made a big deal out of that one girl claiming–  Hey, (to GINGER) are you going to answer that?

GINGER
I was waiting to hear that end of your fraternity story.

MARCUS
Actually, I wasn’t talking to you, Ginger.

GINGER
There are no walls in this office, Mr. Gaines, so everything you say to Sally, you say to me.

MARCUS looks at SALLY who nervously shrugs her shoulders and smiles weakly.

MARCUS
Fine.  Please answer the phone, and if it’s for me, go ahead and transfer it to my office.  (to SALLY)  I’ll finish talking to you later.

SALLY
OK.  Mr. Gaines.

MARCUS
Call me Marcus.

MARCUS winks and walks off.  GINGER flicks MARCUS the bird behind his back.

SALLY
Ginger!

GINGER
Please.  (she picks up the phone)  Gaines Law Offices. …  This is Ginger.  Who’s this?… Oh yeah.  He said he was expecting a call from you.  Hold on.  (She transfers the call and hangs up.)  (to SALLY)  Mrs. Postorivy.  (She whispers loudly)  That’s the mistress.

SALLY
Ginger, please.  It’s not good to spread rumors like that.

GINGER
It ain’t no rumor, Sally.  I’ve seen how the two of them talk real close to each other when she comes in for a “consult.”  Kinda like he was just talking to you.

SALLY (offended and flustered)
Are you implying that—

GINGER
I’m not implying anything.  I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.  I’ve had my share of leeayzawns.  I know what they look like from the inside.  (She goes back to filing her nails.)  You better be careful.

SALLY
And what do you mean by that?

GINGER
Exactly what I said.

SALLY
I have no idea what you’re talking about.  Marcus is just being nice.  He likes Star Wars, and he noticed my visual homage to episodes 4, 5, and 6.  He told me that Princess Leia is really just misunderstood, and I couldn’t agree more. We’re just talking about fan stuff.  Nothing else.

GINGER
Yeah, well fan stuff leads to other stuff.

SALLY
Like what?

GINGER
“Like what” she says.  (She looks up at Johnny Depp on her cubicle wall)  Can you believe this broad?

SALLY
You don’t have an answer because there is no “other stuff.”  It’s just fan stuff.

GINGER
Listen.  Fan stuff leads to other stuff.  Trust me.  Other stuff is like let’s-go-to-a-movie-stuff then let’s-go-have-a-night-cap-stuff, and oh-my-wife’s-out-of-town-visiting-her-mother-stuff, so let’s-have-another-drink-stuff, and before you know it, he’s taken you to see Battleship, and you end up with his torpedo in your hull and there’s nobody to answer the distress call.

SALLY gasps.  GINGER shrugs, cracks her gum, and goes back to filing her nails.

SALLY (mortified)
I can’t believe that you would insinuate that—

GINGER
I’m just sayin’

There is silence between the two of them.  SALLY looks up at her.

SALLY
I really don’t think that–

GINGER
Listen, sweetheart.  How long you been here?

SALLY
Two months.

GINGER
Right.  How long I been here?

SALLY
I don’t know, a long time?

GINGER
Since I was 22.  That’s 23 years.  I’ve known Marcus since he was 10 years old.  And I’ve known every woman who’s sat in your chair.  Mr. Gaines, Sr. has deep sixed every one of them, but that’s only after he’s played hide-the-weeney with each and every one of them.  And now Mr. Gaines, Jr. is following in the old man’s footsteps.

SALLY
What are you saying?

GINGER
I’m saying you need your job, right?

SALLY
Yes, but—

GINGER
You told me you got a ton of student loan debt, right?

SALLY
Right, and I’m working on it, so why—

GINGER
I’m just sayin’.  Be careful of Junior’s libido.  If you think you can handle him, that’s one thing, but based on what I’ve been hearing from you these last two months, it doesn’t sound like you’ve got too much experience.

SALLY (righteously)
I have experience.

GINGER
How many guys you slept with?

SALLY
That is a very personal question.

GINGER
You a virgin?

SALLY
I should say not!  Huh.

GINGER
Well, then answer the question.

Silence.  SALLY is trying to keep it together, but she’s getting more and more upset as the silence continues.

GINGER
It’s just us girls, honey.  I ain’t gonna tell nobody.  I’ve got my own past to deal with.  Yours is child’s play, I’m sure.

SALLY (weakly)
Two

GINGER
Two?

SALLY (holding up two fingers)
Two.

GINGER
OK. Two is more double what I thought we were dealing with.  OK.  This is good.  Recently?

SALLY
Awhile ago.

GINGER
So you’re kinda really wantin’ some, huh?

SALLY
Please!  Don’t be so vulgar!

GINGER
It’s alright to want it, sweetheart.  Please!  I want it all the time.  But I’ve learned that wanting it and getting it from a good source is like two different things.  You see, sex from a good source is like getting good weed.  If the origin is good, the high is much much better.  If the origin of the sex is no good, like Mr. Marcus and his torpedo, your Big O won’t be so big. (She picks up her nail file and starts filing again.) I’ve heard it’s all about him, sweetie.

SALLY
All about him?

GINGER
Yeah.  And his hair.  He’s afraid to mess up his hair when he’s doing it, so it’s real awkward.  Last girl in your chair pulled a bunch of muscles because he made her get into all sorts of weird configurations so that his hair wouldn’t get messy.

SALLY (holding her head in her hands)
Dear God.

GINGER
Yeah.  He has no skills when it comes to pleasuring his partner.

SALLY
Ughhhh.

GINGER
It’s OK.  Now you know.

SALLY
Yeah.  Now I know.  But I told him that I’d see the 3D Star Wars movie with him tomorrow night.

GINGER
Oh.

SALLY
His said his wife is—

GINGER
out of town visiting her mother.

SALLY
Actually going on a yoga retreat.

GINGER
Huh.  That’s a new one.  Good for him for getting creative.

SALLY
What do I do?

GINGER
Up to you, cupcake.

SALLY
What would you do?

GINGER
Are you asking me for advice now?

SALLY
Yes, Ginger.  I’m asking you for advice.

GINGER (speaking to Johnny Depp again)
My, how things change so quickly around here.

SALLY
Why do you always talk to that picture?

GINGER
Johnny Depp has been my confidante since he tried to escape from prison in those damp tighty whiteys in Cry Baby back in 1990.  I watched that movie and swooned through that whole scene.  Since then, Johnny’s my boy.  Any guy that can look that good in briefs like that deserves to be consulted about all of life’s mysteries.

SALLY
OK?  So what do you and Johnny think I should do?

GINGER
Well, you’re feeling like a little play, right?

SALLY (embarrassed)
Yes, but—

GINGER
But you don’t want to enter into a vacuous affair with your boss. (She stops, surprised) Listen to me with the fancy words.  Va-cu-ous.  Huh.  Anyway, you run the risk of getting canned, and you need the dough for the loan debt.

SALLY
Yes, and—

GINGER
And, now that your friend Ginger has told you all there is to know about the Gaines boys, you’re convinced that it would be pretty silly to get involved with Junior.

There’s silence for a moment as SALLY takes all of this in.  She looks up at GINGER and smiles.

SALLY
Yes, and—

GINGER
What else is there to say?

SALLY
And my friend Ginger would be a great alternative partner for the 3D Star Wars movie tomorrow night.  You said you were my friend, so come to the movie with me.

GINGER
Not a chance.  I stayed away from those flicks the first time around.

SALLY
C’mon.  It’ll be fun.  They’re really kind of funny if you don’t take them too seriously.

GINGER
But I thought you were some nutso fan.

SALLY
I like them alright.  But I’ve learned that the boys like them more. (SALLY winks at GINGER. It takes GINGER a second, but then she gets it.)

GINGER
Uh huh.  You’re sneaky.  I should maybe try a little of that.  The only boys who come talk to me are the gay ones.

SALLY
Duh!  (She points at GINGER’s cubicle wall.) Because of Johnny.

GINGER
Because of Johnny?  Ooooh!  Of course!  You know, that explains so much.  I always wondered why Jerry across the hall always wanted to hear that story about the tighty whiteys. Over and over again.  And he always starts sweating and touching his mouth lips when I tell it.  Now I get it.  Thanks, honey!

SALLY’s phone rings.  She looks down at the caller ID.

SALLY (whispers)
It’s him.

GINGER (picking up her nail file)
You know what to do.

SALLY takes a deep breath and answers the phone.

SALLY
Yes, Mr. Gaines.  OK.  Marcus.  I uh.  Well, Marcus, I meant to talk to you about tomorrow night when you were out here before…  No, everything’s fine, but I think I need to uh–  Well, yes, I need to cancel.   I know.  I’m sorry.  It’s just that–  A good friend of mine is in town at the last minute, and she asked if we could have dinner. …  Right.  Well, she’s only in town for the one night on business, and I haven’t seen her in a long–  Right.  OK.  Well, right.  I see.  OK.  Well, it’s good to know that Mrs. Postorivy can use the ticket instead.  She’s a “lovely” woman, and I’m sure you two will have a “wonderful” time….Yes.  I’ll have that memo for you by 3:00pm, Mr. Gaines.  Right away.  Goodbye.

SALLY
What a—

GINGER
Jackass?

SALLY
Yes.  A complete…jackass.

GINGER
You made the right choice, cupcake.

SALLY
I know.

Silence

SALLY
Ginger?

GINGER
Yeah?

SALLY
Thanks.

GINGER
Don’t thank me.  Thank Johnny.  I learned everything I know about men from him.

SALLY
Thanks, Johnny.

GINGER
He’s says, “You’re welcome.”

GINGER looks up from her nail filing and winks.  SALLY smiles and the lights fade to black.

12th Play of 50: Where Charity and Love Prevail

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 022012
 

Where Charity and Love Prevail

With thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt.


Lights up on a cubicle in a hospital emergency room.  WOMAN is wearing workout clothes, hair pulled back in a pony tail.  MAN is sitting on a gurney.  He is dressed in casual clothes, but they are disheveled and dirty.  He’s pretty banged up.  Scrapes on his face, and his right ankle is wrapped.  Shoes sit to the side of the gurney, and a coat is draped over a chair.  The coat is dirty as well.

MAN
Hey thanks.  I mean really.  Thanks a lot.

WOMAN
It’s nothing.  Really.

MAN
No. Seriously.  I mean it was so nice of you.

WOMAN
I’m not really sure what I did.

MAN
What?  Not sure what you did?   How could you even think that?  What you did was so…was so—

WOMAN
It was nothing.  Now cut it out.  (She lightly punches him on the arm.)

MAN
Ow!  Ooooooowwwwww (holding his arm; he appears to black out for a second, like something happens to him, then he shakes it off) That wasn’t necessary!

WOMAN
It was just a tap.

MAN
That was a pretty hard tap!  I think I have a bruise now.  Why did you do that?

WOMAN
It was just—a gesture.

MAN
A gesture?  What’s that supposed to mean?  A gesture?  Punching a total stranger in the arm is “just a—gesture”?

WOMAN
How am I a total stranger now?

MAN
Well, I don’t even know you.  How did we even meet?

WOMAN
Uh, remember the accident?  Just a few minutes ago?

MAN
What are you talking about?

WOMAN looks at him and something dawns on her.

WOMAN
Do you know where you are?

MAN
Uh, duh.  DUuuuuuhhhhh!  I’m at the hospital.

WOMAN
Yes.  Do you know why?

MAN pauses for a second.  Looks confused.  Then tries to pretend that he does know why he’s there.

MAN
Of course I do.

WOMAN
Why then?

(Long pause)

MAN
OK, fine.  I’m not entirely sure why I’m here, but I know I’m about to get out of here, away from people who “like to make gestures” that include punching people in the arm.

MAN gets up to go in a huff, jumps off the gurney, and yowls with pain.

MAN
OOOooooowwwwwww!

MAN hops up and down on one foot until WOMAN can get him back up on the gurney.

WOMAN
Now do you remember?

MAN (slowly, as if remembering the details one by one)
A little bit.  The last thing I remember I was buying Hormel chili, peanut butter, bread, and milk at the corner store.  I paid, picked up the bag, walked out of the store and BOOM!  Then next think I know I’m in this room with you, punching me in the arm.

WOMAN
You must have hit your head really hard.  I bet get the nurse.

MAN
Then why does my foot hurt so bad.

WOMAN
Because when you fell, you hurt your ankle.  That’s why it’s wrapped.  And swollen.

MAN looks down at his foot.  Then looks at her.

MAN
What?  What are you saying happened to me?

WOMAN
You left the corner store at the same time a guy robbing the jewelry store up the street was trying to escape.  He came running down the block and plowed into you.  You never even saw him coming.

MAN just looks at her.

WOMAN
I was across the street and saw the whole thing.

MAN
And then what happened.

WOMAN
I called the cops.  They were already on their way because the alarm from the jewelry store had gone off, so the guy actually ran right into the cop car after he ran you down.  They caught him.

MAN
Uh huh.  Then what happened to me?

WOMAN
I came across the street, and you were unconscious.  The police called an ambulance, and I rode here with you.  They checked you out wrapped your ankle, and then said that I could say hello.

MAN just looks at her again.  He seems to be getting more and more confused by the minute.

WOMAN (holding out her hand)
Hello?  I’m Janet.

MAN hesitantly shakes her hand.

MAN
Hi.

JANET
Uh.  OK.  Do you have a name?   (He doesn’t respond.)  Do you know your name?

MAN
Yes, I know my name!  Would you just leave me alone?  My head hurts and my foot hurts and I just want to go home.

JANET
OK.  OK.  Do you want any help?

MAN
No, thank you.  I think I can handle it myself.

JANET
Do you want me to get you a cab?  Is there someone I can call to come pick you up?

MAN
No, I live alone.  Just go, you’ve done plenty already.  Thank you.

JANET
Are you sure?

MAN
I’M SURE!  Just leave me alone.

JANET
Alright.

JANET gathers her things to leave.

JANET
Your coat is over there.  The paramedics said that they put your wallet back in your pocket.

MAN
Why did they have my wallet?

JANET
Because you were unconscious and they needed to know who you were.

MAN
And they didn’t tell you?

JANET
Not allowed to they said.  Something about privacy.

MAN
Huh…

JANET
Well, please be careful.  Don’t get hit by any more runaway robbers.

MAN is not amused.  JANET goes to exit the room.  MAN stops her with his voice.

MAN
Hey.  Thanks.  I mean really.  Thanks a lot.

JANET
It was nothing.  Really.

MAN
No, seriously.  I mean it was very nice of you.

JANET (she comes back towards him)
I’m not really sure what I did.

MAN
What?  Not sure what you did?   How could you even think that?  What you did was so…was so—

JANET
It was nothing.  Now cut it out.

JANET pulls back in slow motion again to lightly punch MAN in the arm.  And the lights bump to black.

 Posted by at 10:43 pm

11th Play of 50: M Squared in the Kitchen

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Jun 022012
 

M Squared in the Kitchen

With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt.

For Marilyn Monroe, on the occasion of what would have been her 86th birthday, June 1, 2012.

Lights up on a living room in a small, cluttered apartment.  Stacks of books and magazines are on a coffee table.  There’s an open lap top among them, and the glow of a TV lights up the mostly dark room.  CHAD is sitting on the couch, sort of watching the television, trying to eat a bag of chips, but he’s also falling asleep.  The television is playing an old movie musical, not quite recognizable.  It’s late, like 2:00am.  CHAD is dressed in boxer shorts and a wife beater.  He’s an average guy.  Cute and wholesome, maybe a little stocky.  CHAD eventually falls completely asleep.  The bag of chips drops out of his hands and the chips spill down the front of him.  He does not wake up.

Suddenly from the doorway upstage right, sound begins to grow.  It’s the doorway to CHAD’s kitchen.  It sounds like something is trying to rise up out of the kitchen sink.  There’s a grinding noise, like metal against metal, like the sound of subway wheels grinding to a stop.  It gets louder and louder until there’s the sound of an explosion and bright lights flash from the kitchen.  CHAD jumps up, the spilled chips fly everywhere, and he reacts to what’s happening.  Smoke begins to come out of the kitchen.  CHAD goes towards the doorway, sees the smoke, and stops.

CHAD
What the fuck?

CHAD peers into the smoke-filled kitchen as a woman’s voice begins to sing.

WOMAN (offstage)
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

CHAD (fanning at the smoke, still trying to see)
Who’s there?

WOMAN
Happy Birthday, Mr. President

CHAD
Jesus Christ!

The WOMAN enters.  It’s MARILYN MONROE, dressed in the classic gown that she had to be sewed into.

MARILYN
Happy Birthday to you!

CHAD
Uh…  What the hell is going on?  Who are you?  Is this some kind of joke?

MARILYN
Oh, Jackie, don’t be silly.  Let me finish.

CHAD
Jackie?  My name is Chad.

MARILYN proceeds to sing a verse of “Thanks for the Memory,” but with different lyrics.  She’s very proud of herself.

MARILYN
Thanks, Mr. President
For all the things you’ve done
The battles that you’ve won
The way you deal with U.S. Steel
And our problems by the ton
We thank you so much.

MARILYN finishes and looks around.  Sees CHAD and how he’s dressed.

MARILYN
Jackie, why don’t you have any pants on?

CHAD
I said I’m not Jackie.  I’m Chad.

MARILYN
Chad?  Who’s Chad?  Isn’t this Madison Square Garden.

CHAD
Uh.  No.  We’re just south of Madison Square Park on 21st Street and 5thAvenue. Does this look like Madison Square Garden?

MARILYN looks around very confused.

CHAD
And who are you?

MARILYN
Who am I?  Well, that’s a silly question, Jackie.

CHAD
CHAD!

MARILYN
Whatever.

CHAD
Who are you and how did you get into my kitchen?  There are bars on the window.

MARILYN
Silly!  I didn’t climb in through the window.  Marilyn Monroe does not climb in through windows.  Unless it’s at Camp David.  (She laughs all over herself.)

CHAD (completely perplexed)
Who did you say you were?

MARILYN (losing her patience)
Are you some kind of idiot?  MARILYN MONROE.  I’m Marilyn Monroe.  You know, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes?  Seven Year Itch?  Whoooooo!

MARILYN mimics that moment when her skirt blows up.

CHAD
You’ve got to be shitting me.

MARILYN
Uh, could you cut it with the crass language.  I’m a lady, not a truck driver.

CHAD
Right, sorry.

MARILYN
Now.  Can you tell me how to get to Madison Square Garden?  I was backstage there just a second ago, waiting to go on and finally sing.  I was really late, and I knew Jackie was expecting me.  I went wandering out of the green room and took one of my dolls to help calm the nerves.  I have horrible stage fright.  Next thing I know, here I am.

CHAD
Uh…

MARILYN
Do you have a ladies?

CHAD
A what?

MARILYN
A ladies?  A ladies room?  A TOILET?  I need to check my face.

CHAD
Uh, yeah, uh, it’s right through there.  (He points offstage left)

MARILYN
Be right back, Jackie!

MARILYN skitters off in the very tight dress.

CHAD watches her go and rubs his eyes. Slaps his face, makes sure he’s really awake.  Goes to the kitchen doorway and sees the mess that MARILYN’s arrival has created.  He runs back to the coffee table and begins searching for his cell phone.  He finds it, calls a number, and begins a conversation.

CHAD
Yo, man, you are not going to believe this. … It’s Chad. … Dude, I know it’s the middle of the night. … Yo, would you just listen to me for a second? … NO, no , no don’t hang up.  I promise it’s worth. …  You there?  OK.  Dude. Marilyn Monroe is in my apartment. … No, I’m serious.  Marilyn Fucking Monroe is my bathroom right now. … No, I am not crazy.  She showed up in my kitchen….  Dude, I am not drunk. …  NO, I DID NOT EAT TWO DOZEN HOT WINGS BEFORE I WENT TO BED AGAIN.  I swear to God, she’s here.  …  I know she’s dead. … No, I don’t think it’s an impersonator.  … How the fuck do I know?  She keeps asking about Madison Square Garden and calling me Jackie. … Dude, I am so not lying. …  Fine.  Fuck you. … Yeah, well I …  Hello?  Hello?  HELLO?

CHAD throws the cell phone on the coffee table.  His back is to the “bathroom” and MARILYN enters.  She speaks; he jumps.

MARILYN
Bobby, I really should—

CHAD (startled)
Shit!

MARILYN
Language!

CHAD
Sorry.

MARILYN
I really should be getting over to Madison Square Garden.  I don’t want to keep your brother waiting any longer.

CHAD
Brother?

MARILYN
It’s your brother’s birthday, Bobby.  Don’t tell me you forgot again!

CHAD
Now you think I’m Bobby Kennedy?

MARILYN
Well, who else would you be if you’re not Jackie?

CHAD
I—dunno?

MARILYN
I mean who else’s apartment would I be in with him in his underwear?

CHAD
Don’t know.

MARILYN
So?  I rest my case.  (She dabs her lips with a tissue and adjusts her cleavage.) Now, can I just get a taxi out front?

CHAD
I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.

MARILYN
Nonsense.  I’m a big girl, and I can handle a little taxi ride.  Only problem is that I need a little money to get there, Bobby.  Nowhere to carry anything.  (She holds out her arms and CHAD sees just how curvaceous she actually is.)

CHAD (distracted by her figure, fumbling for his wallet on the coffee table)
Uh, sure.  I must have some cash here.  What the hell am I doing?  Giving cash to Marilyn Monroe…

MARILYN
I won’t forget it, Bobby.  And after I sing for Jackie, I might just come back to see you.

MARILYN winks at CHAD and runs her fingers through his hair.  He hands her a 20 dollar bill.

MARILYN (shocked)

What?  Are we in Massachusetts or something?  This is way too much, Bobby.

CHAD
Trust me.  Just keep the change.

MARILYN
OK!  Whatever you say, Bobby!

CHAD walks MARILYN to the door of the apartment, which is adjacent to the kitchen doorway.  They stand at the door for a moment.

CHAD
What did you say your name was again?

MARILYN
Oh, stop playing these games, Bobby!  You know exactly who I am.  (The last line is in a baby talk voice, and she gets very close to his face and touches his nose.)  You know all about me.

MARILYN leans in and kisses CHAD.  It’s a very good kiss.  CHAD is a speechless as MARILYN turns and opens the door to go.

MARILYN
One question.  Do you know if the First Lady is at Madison Square Garden?

CHAD (coming out of his daze)
What?  Who?

MARILYN
Jackie’s wife?  Mrs. Kennedy?  Is she there?  At the party?

CHAD
I dunno what you’re talking about.

MARILYN
She’s your sister-in-law, for Pete’s sake.  Oh, you’re no help at all. It’s fine if she’s there.  She always gives me dirty looks, but that’s ok.  I know what side the bread is buttered on.  Not to worry.

MARILYN taps CHAD on the forehead with her finger, and then she’s gone.  Disappeared as quickly as she arrived.  CHAD stands at the open door, looking out, but there’s nothing there.  He goes back to the kitchen; nothing there, not even evidence of her arrival.  Slowly, the sound from the television begins to return to the room.  It’s the sound of Marilyn Monroe singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  CHAD shakes his head, trying to clear his head or re-activate the memory.  But he can’t.  She doesn’t come back.  The song from the television gets louder as the lights fade with CHAD standing at the entrance to his kitchen.  Bewildered.


10th Play of 50: Really

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Apr 082012
 

Really

With thanks to Greg Louganis for the vivid memory

With thanks to Allen Ginsberg, as portrayed by James Franco in the film Howl, for fearlessness

The lights rise on the living room of an apartment in NYC’s West Village.  It’s late in the evening or early in the morning, that time when magical things happen.  Connections over tea, drunk pronouncements of love, realizations that change lives, profound pieces of writing.  There is one light on in the apartment, a table lamp.

Voices outside the door of the apartment.  The sound of keys turning in the lock.  A burst of laughter just before the door opens.  Two men enter.  PETER is about 30 years old, short hair, medium height and build, really good shape.  He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt, boots.  He carries a jacket in his hand.  He is followed by MARCUS, about 45, graying hair, wearing a suit.  Tie is loosened at the neck.  He’s a handsome, older guy. Some would call him a DILF.

PETER hits a light switch near the door, and the apartment is flooded with too much light.

MARCUS (shielding his eyes)
AH!  Too bright.

PETER
Sorry, Marcus.  Sorry.

PETER shuts off the light.

MARCUS
That’s better.

PETER throws his jacket over the back of the couch, and MARCUS removes his jacket and tie.  PETER goes off stage to the kitchen.  Sound of cabinets opening and running water.

PETER (offstage)
Are you thirsty?

MARCUS
Sure.

PETER (coming back on for a moment with two glasses, sound of water running)
Is tap water ok?

MARCUS
Great.  I’ve heard New York has great tap water.

PETER (going off, offstage)
Uh.  OK.  I’m not sure I’d say great.  (He re-enters with two glasses.)  But drinkable.  (He hands MARCUS a glass.)  Cheers (clinks his glass to MARCUS and begins to drink.)

MARCUS sniffs the water and holds it up to the light.

MARCUS (chuckling)
You didn’t put anything in my water, did you, PETER?

PETER (choking a bit on his water)
What?

MARCUS
I’m kidding!  I’m kidding.  You’re poured me so many drinks tonight you had ample opportunity to slip a mickey in my cocktail.

PETER
A what?

MARCUS
A mickey.  Like a pill.  Drugs?

PETER
Oh, right.  (laughs, but not so sure of the joke still)

MARCUS drinks the water down quickly and sets the glass on the table near the lamp.

MARCUS
So how long have you been working at that bar?

PETER
Why don’t you sit down?

PETER moves his jacket out of the way and gestures for MARCUS to sit.  He does, and PETER sits at the opposite end of the couch, still holding his glass of water.

MARCUS
So?

PETER
At the bar?

MARCUS
Yes, how long have you worked there?

PETER
About six months.

MARCUS
Wow.  That’s not that long.  You seem to know everybody that comes in.  Or they know you.

PETER
Yeah.  I guess I’m just really friendly.  What do you do again?

MARCUS
I’m a lawyer.

PETER
Where?

MARCUS
St. Louis.

PETER
Oh!

MARCUS
You been?

PETER
No, but I’ve heard about it.

MARCUS
Not so exciting. That’s what you heard?

PETER
Something like that.

PETER gets up quickly and takes the empty glasses to the kitchen.

MARCUS
It’s an OK place. Just certainly not New York.

PETER (offstage)
Right.

MARCUS
What did you do before this?  The bartending.

PETER (offstage)
Uh, what did you say?

MARCUS (yelling)
Before this job.  What did you do?

PETER (offstage)
Oh…uh…this and that.

PETER returns.  He looks uncomfortable.  He sits down on the couch again, one leg under his bum.

MARCUS
This and that?

PETER
Yeah.  When I first moved here I had some odd jobs.  Temp stuff.  I wasn’t very good at office work, so I stopped and was unemployed for awhile. And then last April, I got the job at the bar, and I’ve been there ever since.

MARCUS
Last April?

PETER
Yeah, I think so.  Let me think.  April, May, June…  Yeah, least April.

MARCUS
But that’s a year ago, PETER. It’s April now.  You said a few minutes ago that you’ve been bartending there for six months.

PETER (caught in the lie)
Did I say six months?  I meant a year.

MARCUS
Well, which is it, Peter?

MARCUS looks at PETER.  PETER avoids his gaze.

MARCUS
Peter?

PETER shrugs and flashes his bartender smile, but it doesn’t work.  MARCUS gets up.

MARCUS
I think I better get back to my hotel.

PETER (getting up)
No, don’t go.  We’re just getting to have a real conversation without yelling at each other. Over the loud music.

MARCUS
Yeah, it’s nice to be talking to you and actually hear what you’re saying instead of reading your lips.

PETER (getting closer, trying to distract)
Yeah, well, the one thing I miss is having to be so close to you.  Yelling in your ear, smelling you, as I ask you what drink you want next.

PETER has gotten very close to MARCUS and is leaning in to kiss him.  MARCUS is taken by it and the two begin to kiss.  PETER reaches up and begins to unbutton MARCUS’ shirt, and MARCUS grabs his hands.

MARCUS
That’s all very distracting, but you’re not telling me something, and I’m not interested in doing this without knowing more that’s true about you.  So I should get going.  (He begins to grab his coat and tie from the couch.)  Thank you for the water and –

PETER
Wait.  Wait.  OK.  (pause)

MARCUS puts down the coat and tie and makes a motion for PETER to proceed.

PETER (slowly)
Before I worked as a bartender at the club . . . I was a dancer.

MARCUS
Like a dancer in a company?

PETER
No, not exactly.

MARCUS
What kind of dancer?

PETER
A dancer in the showers.  At the bar.

Silence as MARCUS takes that in.

MARCUS
You danced in the showers?

PETER
Yes.

MARCUS
For how long?

PETER
I did that for six months, while I was learning to bartend, and then a position behind the bar opened up, and I applied and got the job.

MARCUS sits down on the couch for a moment.  He’s a little taken aback by this news.

MARCUS
So you danced in the showers, like those guys were dancing tonight?

PETER
Yes.

MARCUS
And you wore what those guys were wearing?

PETER
Basically.  Not much different than what I was wearing to serve you drinks all night.

MARCUS
And all those drunk guys were touching them.  People touched you like that?

PETER
Yes.  But it was just part of the work.  It doesn’t mean anything.  Really.

MARCUS (repeating quietly what PETER has said)
“Doesn’t mean anything.  Really.”  What do you mean by “really?”

PETER
I mean that it really doesn’t mean anything.  Really.

MARCUS is clearly not buying it.

PETER
You think it means something?  Those guys who wave dollar bills at the dancers?  They’re just looking for a cheap feel.  You bend down, you make eyes at them, you let them touch you, and then you move on.  It doesn’t mean anything.

MARCUS
It felt pretty intimate to me.  Those guys were wet, I could see everything about them through the white fabric, drunk guys held on to them, and they all looked like they were enjoying the attention.

PETER
And?  It’s just a job.  Occupational hazards.  I’m sure there are things about your job that you don’t—

MARCUS
It’s not like being a lawyer. And if it’s just a job, then why did you lie about doing it?

PETER
Because guys react exactly like this.  All holier than though. Or they get really turned on by it and treat me like a piece of meat.

MARCUS
And you don’t enjoy the latter?

PETER
What’s that supposed to mean?

MARCUS
That kind of attention.  If you’re standing in a shower in front of a couple hundred people, basically naked, you must enjoy the attention.  (pause) Did you?

PETER stares at him.

PETER (slowly, deliberately)
Yeah.  I did.  I liked it when guys like you sat at the bar, drank lots of drinks just like you did and spent the evening staring at my thick cock and my rock hard ass through the wet fabric.  I loved every minute of it.

MARCUS
Did you get hard like those two guys tonight?

PETER is silent for a moment.  It’s embarrassing to remember that part of the job.

MARCUS
Is that my answer?

PETER
Sometimes.  It feels good to be looked at, Marcus. It turns me on.  In a good way.  I’d think you would understand that.

MARCUS looks at him for a moment, like “what are you talking about,” and then he realizes PETER is talking about his good looks.

MARCUS
Well, I never felt looked at like that. Not in public. And I never dressed like that in public.

PETER
Really?

MARCUS
Really.

PETER
I thought you told me earlier that you swam in college.

MARCUS
And?

PETER
Breast stroke and IM.

MARCUS
Good memory. Your point?

PETER
And that would have been in the mid 80s.

MARCUS
How do you know that?

PETER
I needed to see your driver’s license because you don’t sign the backs of your credit cards, remember? I saw your birthdate.

MARCUS
You don’t miss a beat, do you?  So I swam on a college team. How is that connected to your dancing?

PETER
Were you any good?

MARCUS
Two-time All American in the breast stroke.

PETER
So you competed a lot. In front of people?

MARCUS
Yes, but what does that—

PETER
In a speedo.

MARCUS
Oh c’mon. That is so not the same thing!  Are you kidding me?

PETER
How is it not the same thing?  You wore those speedos in front of a lot more people at those swim meets.

MARCUS
But that’s a sport.

PETER
OK. But I would also say a form of entertainment.

MARCUS
That’s stretching it, but OK.  Now I’ll tell you this though, my speedo covered a lot more than what those guys covered tonight.

PETER
I’m not so sure about that. I’ve seen the pictures of those speedos from back then and they’re pretty small. Not like what Michael Phelps wears today.

MARCUS
Those long shorts that he wears are ridiculous. I don’t know how anyone swims that fast wearing those things. All that drag! I don’t care what they say about technology. Less is definitely more as far as swimming goes.

There’s a moment of silence as PETER rests his case.

MARCUS
OK. OK. But we weren’t wearing white speedos that you could—

PETER
Greg Louganis wore a white speedo. At the 1988 Olympics.

MARCUS
You were barely alive when he wore that white speedo.

PETER
I’ve seen the pictures.  Plus it’s hard to forget a hot guy banging his head on a spring board and then winning a gold medal wearing a white speedo that says “Air Mail” across the crotch.  Even when you’re only 6 years old.

MARCUS (remembering)
It certainly was.  Unforgettable.  I wanted to race in a speedo just like that.

The two men fall silent.

MARCUS (suddenly)
You were only 6 in 1988?  You’re that young?

PETER
Maybe.

MARCUS
Can I see your ID?

PETER
You can see a lot about me if you can get past the shower dancing.

MARCUS
Really?  I’ve seen quite a bit at the bar already.

PETER
Well, there’s a lot more under the outfit.  Really.

There’s a pause here as MARCUS thinks this over.

MARCUS
Well, in my line of work, we’d say that you’ve made a compelling argument for the similarities between the swim team and dancing in the showers. I’m not sure your argument really holds any emotional water, but I’m willing to take that risk.

MARCUS stands up and finishes taking off his shirt.  He reveals a wife beatered torso that still looks like it swims the breast stroke.

PETER
Still swimming?

MARCUS
Four days a week.

PETER
In a speedo?

MARCUS
A white one.

PETER
Really?

MARCUS (moving towards PETER on the couch)
Really.

The table lamp fades to black as MARCUS helps PETER off with his t-shirt.

9th Play of 50: What Happened Last Night?

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Mar 292012
 

What Happened Last Night?

An exercise for a larger project

Thanks to Jeanmarie Higgins for the question.

With memories of Tricia Guadagnino Nitsche and Cathy Corey Cruz in Morris Library in 1991.

 

Lights up to find two young women, SARAH and VIC, sitting at a dining room table.  The table is covered with books, papers, chip bags, and empty cans of Red Bull.  SARAH is listening to music on her headphones and humming along.  She is 21, brown hair, glasses, dressed in her pajamas.  VIC is the same age, and she punching numbers into her computer.  She’s wearing part of a waitress uniform and eating Chinese take out.  SARAH’s humming is getting on her nerves, but she continues to try and work.  SARAH gets excited by the music and begins to play drums with her hands on the table.

VIC (not looking up)
Sarah.  Could you keep it down?

SARAH doesn’t hear her.

VIC (still not looking up)
Sarah?

SARAH still does not hear her.

VIC
SARAH!

SARAH (looking up and yelling)
WHAT?

VIC (motioning to take off the headphones)
Could you keep it down?

SARAH
Was I making noise?

VIC
You were banging on the table.

SARAH
I was?

VIC
Ah, yeah.  So could you stop?

SARAH
OK.  Sorry.

SARAH puts her headphones back on.  The women go back to working and SARAH begins humming again.  VIC endures it for a bit, but she can’t concentrate.

VIC
SARAH!

SARAH
What now?

VIC
I can’t work with you humming!

SARAH
WHAT?

VIC
I CAN’T—

SARAH
WHAT?  I CAN’T HEAR YOU

VIC gets up and takes the headphones off SARAH’s head.

SARAH
Ow!

VIC
I can’t concentrate with you banging the table!

SARAH
I wasn’t banging the table!

VIC
Well, the humming doesn’t work either.  Could you quit it?  Or go work in your room.

SARAH
What’s wrong with you?

VIC
There’s nothing wrong with me.  I’m just trying to do my work.  I can’t concentrate on these equations with you making all of this noise.

SARAH
Alright.  Sorry.

VIC
Fine.

SARAH
Fine.

SARAH shuts her music off and removes the headphones.   She starts to read again, and VIC settles in.  SARAH gets bored very quickly and picks up a bag of chips.  They make a lot of noise.  She begins to crunch, quite loudly.  This goes on for a bit, and VIC is going crazy.  SARAH finishes a bag, crumples it up, and opens another.  VIC puts her head down on the table.

VIC
I can’t believe this…

SARAH
What’s wrong now, Vic?

VIC
Nothing.

SARAH
Why are you banging your head on the table?  Are you ok?

More crunching.  VIC doesn’t answer.

SARAH
Vic?

VIC
Could you stop eating the potato chips, please?

SARAH
But I’m starving.  You want some?

VIC
NO!  I don’t want any chips.  Could you eat something else?  Something quieter?

SARAH
What else do we have?

VIC
How about some ice cream or something that doesn’t crunch or make noise?

SARAH
We don’t have any ice cream.  I already checked.

VIC
Jesus…

SARAH
What’s with you?

VIC
I’m trying to work, Sarah.

SARAH
Me too, but you’re acting all sensitive to noise and stuff.  What’s the problem?

VIC
These equations aren’t working out, and I can’t concentrate with you making all of this noise.

SARAH
What noise??

VIC
Seriously, Sarah?  Are you fucking kidding me?

SARAH looks at her and shrugs, like “What do you mean?”

VIC
You’re unbelievable…

SARAH
Me?  I’m unbelievable?  You’re the one who’s acting crazy.

VIC
Why are you doing this?

SARAH
Doing what?

VIC
Singing?  Banging the table?  Eating all these chips?  You’re like a fucking noise machine or something.

SARAH
We always listen to music when we do homework.  And look around, Sarah.  You’ve downed your fair share of food since you got home.

VIC
I had class all day and then worked from four to eleven at the restaurant.  I need to eat.

SARAH
Well, so do I.

VIC
I’m not saying you can’t eat, Vic.  I just can’t hear myself think.  Can you please just do this stuff quietly?  This lab is due in the morning.

SARAH
What time?

VIC
9:30.

SARAH
It’s 1:30.  Plenty of time.

VIC
Fuck you.

Silence.  SARAH crunches one last time.  VIC looks up and SARAH smirks.

SARAH
All done!

SARAH crumples the bag and goes back to work.  VIC settles in.  She works on her computer and SARAH reads more from her book.  She finds something that surprises.

SARAH
Huh.

VIC
What?

SARAH
Did you know that Beethoven was going deaf?

VIC
What are you talking about?

SARAH
Beethoven?  You know who he is, right?

VIC
Some piano guy, I guess.

SARAH
An important composer.

VIC
So?

SARAH
So he was going deaf when he was writing music.

VIC
How could he write music and be deaf?

SARAH
Going deaf.  He went deaf.

VIC
And this is important because?

SARAH
No reason.  Just interesting.

VIC
What class is that for?

SARAH
Music Appreciation

VIC
I thought you dropped that.

SARAH
Tried to, but it was too late.  Drop/Add period was over.

VIC
You said the professor was really boring.

SARAH
She is.  But we started listening to some Beethoven in class. It’s kinda cool.

VIC
Great…

SARAH goes back to reading.  The two work in silence for a bit.  VIC seems to make headway with her equations.  She gets excited, and eventually sits back and closes the laptop lid.

VIC
Done!

SARAH
You’re finished?

VIC
I just figured it out.  Thank God.  I’m about ready to fall over.

SARAH
Go get some sleep.

VIC
Are you going to keep working?

SARAH
I’ve got to finish this reading or else I won’t be ready for class.

VIC
Isn’t that Music Appreciation class a lecture?

SARAH
Yeah, but she likes people to participate.

VIC
Does she even know your name?

SARAH
I sit in the front.

VIC
The very front?

SARAH
Yes. Front center.

VIC
Brown noser.

SARAH
Call it whatever you want, I’m getting an A in this class.

VIC
You’re such a brown noser.

SARAH
Why is that brown nosing?

VIC
It so is brown nosing.  Sitting in the front row?  Participating in class?  C’mon.

SARAH
I want the grade, Vic.  I’ll do what it takes to get the grade.

VIC
Always looking for the grade…

SARAH
What’s that supposed to mean?

VIC
Why are you so grade obsessed?

SARAH
Grade obsessed?

VIC
It’s all you ever worry about.

SARAH
Whatever.

VIC
Not whatever.  It’s the truth.  You’ve got this obsession with getting an A.  I don’t get it.

SARAH
Well, not everyone’s got a free ride, Vic.

VIC
I don’t have a free ride.  My parents pay all of my tuition.

SARAH
That’s a free ride.

VIC
Hey, I work, Sarah.  I work a lot.

SARAH
So do I, Vic.  Like 30 hours a week.  To pay my tuition.  Not to save up for Spring Break.

SARAH wins that round.

VIC
Fine.  I’m going to bed.  I’ll see you in the morning.

SARAH (picking up her headphones)
Don’t forget to put your ear plugs in.

VIC
Don’t even think about it.

SARAH
Something’s got to keep me awake.

VIC
Please don’t bang the table?  I’ll sleep through the humming, but not the banging.

SARAH
I’ll do my best.

VIC
G’nite.  Don’t stay up too much longer.

SARAH
OK.

VIC exits and SARAH begins to listen to her headphones again.  This time the audience can hear the music.  It’s a lovely piece of Beethoven music, “Sonata Pathetique.” She goes back to reading.  And the lights slowly fade to black.

 

 

8th of 50 Plays: Stains

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Mar 112012
 

Stains

Lights up to find a BEN, 28 years old, on his hands and knees with a scrub brush.  He’s wearing sweat shorts and a cut off t-shirt.  His hair is matted with sweat, as he’s been scrubbing the floor for awhile.  This is the floor of his apartment.  He dips the brush into the water again, and scrubs harder.  There’s one spot that he can’t seem to get out.  He scrubs, then looks at it, scrubs again, gets his face close to the floor and it’s not gone.

BEN
Shit!

He chucks the brush into the bucket, and the water goes splashes everywhere.

BEN
Fuuuuuuck!

BEN looks at the mess he’s made, and just sinks down on his butt, tired and discouraged.  There is the sound of the apartment door opening and closing.  BEN looks fearfully toward the sound, then in a panic at the mess.

JUSTIN (offstage)
Hello?

BEN
Shit!

BEN looks around for something to clean up the spilled water, and he’s got nothing.  He looks down at this shirt.

JUSTIN
Ben?  What did you say?  I’ve got groceries.  Can you give me a hand?

BEN
I’m in the den, Justin.  Be there in a sec.

BEN looks down, removes his shirt, and quickly mops up the water off the floor.  JUSTIN’s voice is getting closer now.

JUSTIN
Never mind.  It’s not that much.  I’ll put it away in a second.  Why are you in here?

BEN throws his t-shirt into the bucket, sits on the spot he was scrubbing, and assumes a casual but sexy pose.  JUSTIN enters on his last question.  He’s about 26 years old, wearing a crisp pair of khakis and a white button down shirt.  Everything about him is put together.   Precise.  Hair, glasses, belt, shoes.  He’s a bit pristine. The antithesis of BEN.

BEN (with a big smile)
Hi!

JUSTIN
Hi?

BEN
How’s it goin’?

JUSTIN
It’s going fine.  Why are you in here?

BEN
Oh, just hangin’ out.

JUSTIN looks at the bucket and points to it.

JUSTIN
With a bucket of water?

BEN
Oh that.  (He laughs it off.)  I was just uh using it for some new exercises I read about in a magazine.

JUSTIN
What kind of exercises?

BEN (searching)
I uh read about them at the dentist’s office the other day.  It’s called uhm aqua lifting.

JUSTIN
Aqua lifting?

BEN
Yeah, aqua lifting.  You uh use a bucket full of water to do bicep curls and shoulder presses.  Stuff like that.

JUSTIN
Why?

BEN
Why?

JUSTIN
Yes, Ben.  Why?  We have free weights here already.  Why do you need to use a bucket of water?

BEN
Uh, well, the magazine said that the water makes it harder to do the exercises.  The sloshing around creates an imbalance, and your muscles have to overcompensate and they get bigger.  See?

BEN makes a muscle to show JUSTIN.  BEN’s a good-looking guy, so the muscle looks good to JUSTIN, who eases off just a bit.

JUSTIN
Well, just be careful when you take the bucket away.  I don’t want you to make a mess.

BEN
Jesus, Justin, I’m not going to make a mess.

JUSTIN
It’s Justin, not Jesus Justin, and I know you well enough to know that a bucket of water plus a walk to the kitchen or bathroom will equal water all over the place if you don’t take your time.  So take your time.

JUSTIN sits down in a chair across the room facing BEN.  BEN is a bit stung from the last comment, but he knows better than to get into an argument over it.

JUSTIN
How was your day?  (He’s removing his shoes.)

BEN
Fine.  Uneventful.  I went for a run, came back, wrote for about two hours, and then made some lunch.  Wrote for another two hours, and then started to do these exercises.  And here we are.  How was your day?

JUSTIN
Not quite so leisurely.

BEN
I wouldn’t say my day was leisurely.

JUSTIN
You were home all day.

BEN
But I was writing for most of that.

JUSTIN
Sure, that’s nice.

BEN is again stung by this.

BEN
What happened at the office today?

JUSTIN
The usual.  My boss acted like an asshole from the moment he got in this morning, terrorizing his assistant and mine, and generally making a mess of three of my accounts.  I spent the afternoon making phone calls to clients and trying to calm them down, and getting the assistants not to quit.  It’s nice to be home.  No messes to clean up.  As long as you don’t spill the water.

BEN
I won’t spill the water!

JUSTIN
OK, OK, calm down.  I’m just giving you a hard time.

BEN
I’m sick of you harping on me about the so-called messes.

JUSTIN
So-called messes?  Ben, we have a lot of accidents here in Apartment 412.

BEN
And?

JUSTIN
And I think if you were a little more careful about stuff, the apartment would stay cleaner.  We can’t afford to have Rosa come in more than twice a month, so that means—

BEN
Got it, Justin.  I get it, OK?   Just stop talking about it.

BEN turns away from JUSTIN, but he doesn’t get up off the floor.

JUSTIN
Now, Benjamin, don’t get all bent out of shape.

BEN
Don’t call me that.  You know I hate it when you do that.

JUSTIN
Benjamin—

BEN
I’m serious, Justin!  My mother calls me that when she’s angry with me, and I—

JUSTIN
I know, and I love it when she does it.

BEN
You’re not my mother, so stop using that name.

JUSTIN
Touchy!

BEN
Me?

JUSTIN
Yes, you.  You’re in a rotten mood.

BEN
I’m not the one who’s badgering about messes.

JUSTIN
I’m not badgering you.

BEN
You are so.  You haven’t let up since you came in the door.

JUSTIN
Well, I’d just like to come home to an apartment that’s clean and orderly.  My day is full of cleaning up other people’s messes, and I don’t want to do it at home too.  Is that so much to ask?

BEN is silent.

JUSTIN
Ben?  Is that so much to ask?

BEN
No.  I guess not.

JUSTIN
I’m just trying to find some harmony.  Peace and quiet.  It’s not happening at work, so it would be nice to have it at home.

BEN
Sure.

JUSTIN moves to the floor where BEN is sitting.  He squats down and looks at BEN.

JUSTIN
OK?

BEN
OK.

JUSTIN
Are we ok?

BEN
We’re fine.

JUSTIN
Good…

JUSTIN touches BEN’s legs.  He slides his hands up BEN’s shorts, and leans in to kiss him.  BEN resists at first, but JUSTIN’s hands in his shorts begin to break him down.  BEN kisses JUSTIN back, and the two begin to make out on the floor.  JUSTIN is on top of BEN at first.  He takes off his crisp, white shirt, and BEN pulls off his belt.  BEN then flips JUSTIN over onto his back and proceeds to kiss him again.  BEN has forgotten about the very large stain on the floor.  As the two get more involved in their making out, JUSTIN gets on top again. He’s kissing down BEN’s chest to his waistband, when he suddenly sees the stain.  JUSTIN jumps off of BEN and looks at the floor.

JUSTIN
What the hell is that?

BEN
What?

JUSTIN
The huge stain on the floor.

BEN
Justin…

JUSTIN
Ben, what did you do?

BEN (trying to re-engage JUSTIN in the making out)
Can’t we talk about it later?

JUSTIN
No, we’re not talking about it later.  What’s all over the floor?

BEN
It’s bleach.

JUSTIN
Bleach?!?!

BEN
Bleach, Justin.

JUSTIN
How did it get there?

BEN
I was on my way out the door to go downstairs to the laundry room.  I had the laundry basket full of clothes with the detergent and bleach on top.  My phone was in here, and it started to ring.  I ran to try to get the call, the bleach popped out of the basket and hit the floor.  The cap wasn’t on tight enough, and it came off and bleach spilled out on the floor.  I grabbed the phone and got the call.  But by the time I got the bleach wiped up, it had stained the floor.

JUSTIN
I can’t believe this.  You ran to get the phone and you ruined the floor.

BEN
Justin, it’s the den.  You and I are the only ones who come in here.  I work in here.  It’s not like it’s the living room or something.

JUSTIN
We just had these floors re-done last month!  It cost a fortune, and you’ve ruined it.  This is what I’m talking about with the messes.

BEN
It was an accident!

JUSTIN
It’s always an accident, Ben!  I understand that it’s an accident, but you have more accidents than a five year old and a new puppy combined.  It’s like living with a child.

BEN
I’m not a child.

JUSTIN
Well, you act one.  All the time.

BEN
All the time?

JUSTIN
Yeah, all the time.  Your clothes are everywhere.  You leave food in the sink.  The bathroom is disgusting.  The milk in the refrigerator is three days past the expiration date.  I couldn’t even make a cup of coffee this morning before I left for work!  You take no responsibility for any of the chores—

BEN
I just said I was going to do the laundry!

JUSTIN
And you destroyed the floor!

BEN
It’s a stain, Justin!  You’re having a fucking fit over a stain on the floor in a room that you barely ever come into.

JUSTIN
That’s not the point!

BEN
Then what’s the point?

JUSTIN
The point is that you and I are not making this work the way we said we would.

BEN
That’s because you’re acting like a Donna Reed Nazi about the apartment.

JUSTIN
It’s my apartment, Ben.  You moved into my apartment.

BEN
I moved in because you wanted me to move in.

JUSTIN
I offered for you to move in because you couldn’t stand living with that crazy woman anymore.  I’m beginning to think she wasn’t so crazy.

BEN
Come off it, Justin!  You know damned right well that she’s nuts.  And a total hag.  Telling people we were getting a divorce when I was moving out.  Introducing me as the Will to her Grace.  She’s a fucking nightmare.

JUSTIN
Maybe you didn’t help the situation with your shitty living habits, Ben.  You’re a disaster!  I’m starting to think she had a right to be pissed at you all the time.

BEN
I can’t believe that you’re saying all of this over a stain on the floor.

JUSTIN
It’s not just the stain on the floor!  Haven’t you been listening to me?  It’s all of the other stuff too.

BEN
We were together for a year and a half.  You came to my place all those times.  You knew what you were getting into, Justin.

JUSTIN
Knowing it and living it are two different things, Ben.

BEN
Yeah, well, I knew you were a neat freak, but knowing that and living with you are two different things too.  You’re driving me crazy with all of this!  I feel like I can’t even breathe in my own apartment!  And it’s my apartment too.  I live here now, Justin.  You keep calling it “your apartment” in front of our friends, my family.  My sister even asked me what was up with you.

JUSTIN
I worked hard for this apartment, Ben.  I spent six years saving up to be able to buy this place, and I want it to be nice.  You have no respect for that.

BEN
That’s not true!

JUSTIN
Then why do you keep dumping shit all over the floor?!?  Last week it was red wine, the week before it was your muddy soccer cleats.  Today it’s bleach.

BEN
Accidents happen, man!  It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose, for Christ’s sake!

JUSTIN
I don’t care that they’re accidents!  I want you to STOP DOING IT!  STOP RUINING MY APARTMENT!

BEN just looks at JUSTIN.  He looks at the bucket on the floor.

BEN
You just did it again.

JUSTIN
Did what?

BEN
“MY apartment.”

JUSTIN
So?

BEN
So when is it going to be our apartment?  Our home?

JUSTIN
It is our home.

BEN
It doesn’t feel like it.  Not when you act like this.

JUSTIN
Don’t try to make this my fault now?

BEN
I’m not making it anyone’s fault, Justin.  I’m just starting to realize that maybe this is a bad idea.

JUSTIN
What?  Living together?

BEN
Definitely that.  But maybe the whole thing.

JUSTIN
What?

BEN
I don’t think I can live like this with you.  And if we can’t live together, I’m not sure we should be together.

JUSTIN
Ben, it’s a disagreement.  Couples have arguments.

BEN
This is a big disagreement.  You’ve called me a child.  You’re saying this is your apartment.  Still.  After six months of me living here.  This is more complicated than me spilling things.

JUSTIN
You’re overreacting.

BEN
I don’t think I’m the one overreacting.

BEN looks at JUSTIN.  JUSTIN turns away, picks up his shirt, puts it back on and begins to button it up.

BEN
Justin?

JUSTIN
I think you should probably go.  At least for the night.  I need to think.

BEN
Uh huh.

JUSTIN
I want to make this work, but I’m not sure I can.  I thought I could, but you’re mess is way more than I’m used to.

BEN
And you’re cleanliness is suffocating me.

Silence.  BEN is looking for a response and getting nothing from JUSTIN.

BEN
Fine.  I’ll go to Julie’s.  Stay on her couch.  When you’re ready to talk about this, you call me.  I’ll get a bag of clothes and go.

JUSTIN nods.  BEN starts to leave the room, but stops.

BEN
This was your idea, Justin.  Remember that.  You wanted this.

JUSTIN
I know.

BEN exits.  JUSTIN is left standing there.  He looks down at the bucket and the stain as the lights go to black.

 Posted by at 11:51 pm

7th of 50 Plays: The Barn

 50 Plays  No Responses »
Mar 042012
 

The Barn

Thanks to Virgil Thomson and Gertrude Stein for the inspiration: Four Saints in Three Acts

Thunder and lightning.  There’s a lot of rain coming down outside.  Three men sit huddled in the corner of a barn.  They are surrounded by hay.  They wear flannel shirts, jeans, and boots.  All three are wet.  One is shivering.  The other two are trying to keep him warm.

BRIAN is 32, tall, brown hair, deep brown eyes, and thin build.  He wears a red flannel shirt.  He is the wettest of the three.  His clothes stick to him.  ROGER is 34, medium height, red hair and blue eyes.  He wears a green flannel shirt, and he is the one who is shivering.  SKIP is 30, shorter, built like a wrestler.  He wears a blue flannel shirt.  He has blonde hair and green eyes.  As the play begins, he is kicking off his boots.

SKIP
I told you guys we should’ve turned the other way on that road, but no, you wouldn’t listen.

BRIAN (taking off this flannel shirt and wringing it out; his wet t-shirt reveals his torso)
I’m not the one who—

ROGER
Don’t blame me, Brian.  You always try to blame me when these weekend go wrong.

BRIAN
I wasn’t blaming you, Roger.  I was saying that I’m not the one who suggested we run out of the car.

SKIP
You were the first one out of the car.  That’s why you’re so wet. (He sneezes.)  Fucking great.  I can’t afford to get a cold.  I’ve got a big presentation for work this week.

BRIAN
You’ll be fine, Skip.  You’re such a fucking hypochondriac.  It’s rain.

SKIP
Yeah, but it’s cold, and this presentation has a promotion riding on it.

ROGER
Can you guys help me out here?  I can’t stop shivering.  I don’t know what’s wrong.

SKIP and BRIAN look at each other, and they start to inch closer to ROGER.  It’s slightly uncomfortable for them.  ROGER is grateful, but the wetness is making him colder.

ROGER
Brian, can’t you get rid of your wet clothes?  You’re making it worse.  You’re soaking wet.

BRIAN
What do you want me to do?

SKIP
Take the clothes off.

BRIAN
What?

SKIP
Take the clothes off, Brian.  It’s just us.  No one’s around.  We knocked on the farmhouse door and no one answered.  Nobody’s gonna see you.

BRIAN
But I’m not—

ROGER
Please, Brian?  I can’t get warm.

BRIAN
No.

SKIP
Are you serious?

BRIAN
Yes, I’m serious.  I’m not hanging out in a barn naked with two other guys.

ROGER
You hang out with us naked in the locker room after the company softball games in the summer.

BRIAN
That’s different.

SKIP
How so?

BRIAN
It just is.

SKIP
Why?

BRIAN
Because we’re doing something there.  We’re getting changed after a game or a shower.  We’re not just hanging out waiting for rain to stop.

ROGER
We don’t know how long we’re going to be here.  The car wouldn’t even turn over.

ROGER shivers again.  He’s really cold.  It’s not a normal chill. SKIP sneezes again.

SKIP
I’m getting out of these clothes. I’m starting to get really cold.

SKIP stands up and starts to peel himself out of his clothes.  When he gets down to his boxer briefs, BRIAN stands up.

BRIAN
Whoa.  You’re keeping those on at least.

SKIP
Why?

BRIAN
Why do you need to take them off?

SKIP
Because they’re wet, and I want them to dry.

ROGER

Brian, why are you so uptight about this?  It’s just us.

BRIAN
I’m not uptight about anything.  It’s just—

SKIP (dropping his boxers)
It’s just what?

SKIP stands in front of them completely naked.  He’s very comfortable with himself.  He picks up his clothes and lays them out on the hay as if they might dry.  There’s a flash of lightning followed quickly by a very loud clap of thunder.  The three men jump. 

SKIP
Shit!  That was really close.

ROGER shivers again.  SKIP moves to ROGER and gets up close to him.  BRIAN watches all of this, then turns away.  He pulls out his cell phone.

BRIAN
Shit!  My phone’s still not working.  I can see condensation behind the screen.  It must be wet inside.  What about you guys?

SKIP gets up and walks over to his pants and pulls out his cell phone.

SKIP
No bars.  I have shitty service out here.

ROGER (pulls out his phone)
Me too.  Nothing.

BRIAN
Fuck.

SKIP (siting down again)
The storm will pass soon.  Brian, at least take your shirt off.  I can see your nipples are hard, so you must be cold.

BRIAN (covers his chest with his arms)
You’re gross, man.

ROGER
He’s stating a fact, Brian.  I can see them from here.  You’re being retarded about this.

ROGER gratefully snuggles into SKIP.  SKIP lays back in the hay and closes his eyes.  The pair look comfortable and warm.  BRIAN looks at them and shivers.  He reluctantly peels his shirt off and sits down next to ROGER on the other side.  But he won’t look at SKIP.

ROGER
Not so bad, right?

BRIAN
Whatever.

ROGER
We’re just staying warm, man.  Nothing else.

SKIP
I’m already warmer.  This hay is great.

BRIAN
I don’t understand how taking off your clothes makes you warmer.

SKIP
Simple science, Brian.  Moisture evaporates off skin faster than cloth.  So my body’s dry now.  The clothes are still wet.

ROGER sits up and starts to unbutton his flannel shirt.

BRIAN
What’re you doing now?

ROGER
Taking my shirt off.

BRIAN
I thought you were freezing.

ROGER
Didn’t you just hear what Skip said?

BRIAN
Yeah, but you’re not soaking wet.

ROGER
I’m wetter than when we started because you’re soaking wet.  If you’d just cooperate, we’d all be better off.

BRIAN
I’m not taking off anything else.

ROGER
Suit yourself.

ROGER stands up and removes all of his clothes.  When he gets to his briefs, BRIAN freaks a bit.  He gets up and walks across the barn.

BRIAN
Is that really necessary? You two are really gonna sit here completely naked with each other and “dry off.”

ROGER
Yeah.

BRIAN
What if somebody finds us?

ROGER
Again?  We’ve been through this.

SKIP
So what if they do?

BRIAN
What are they gonna think?

ROGER (drops his briefs and places all of this clothes near SKIP’s; winks at SKIP)
They’re gonna think we’re shooting a porno.

BRIAN
You’re disgusting.

SKIP
It’s called “Dudes in the Gay Hay.”

ROGER
Starring Skip Jones, Roger Brill, and Brian Drummond.

BRIAN
Shut up!  Don’t even joke about it.

ROGER (sits back down next to SKIP)
Chill out, man.

BRIAN paces around the barn as his two friends sit down together.  They watch him pace a bit.

SKIP
Do you know how many sperm cells you’re killing by keeping your wet clothes on?

BRIAN
What are you talking about?

SKIP
I’m serious.  Your sperm need a certain temperature to stay alive.  Too much cold makes them die.

BRIAN
You’re so full of shit.

ROGER
He’s serious, Brian.  Didn’t you learn that in bio?

BRIAN
Bio was a long time ago.

SKIP
Well, let me refresh your memory.  Your sack contracts to keep your balls close to your body and your sperm at body temperature.  If you’re cold, your sack pulls up closer.  I bet your balls are sucked up into your abdomen.

BRIAN shivers.

SKIP
See!  You’re freezing.

BRIAN
I am not.

ROGER
I just saw you shiver.  I haven’t shivered since Skip dropped trou, and now I feel great.  And look, my sack is nice and loose.

SKIP (he looks at ROGER and then at his own)
Yeah, you’re right. Mine too.

BRIAN (mortified)
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

SKIP
What?

BRIAN
You’re like looking at each other’s… at each other’s—

ROGER
Balls?

SKIP
Dicks?

BRIAN
YES!  I can’t believe you two are doing this.  Are you two gay or something?  You’re like talking about your sacks and you’re checking each other out, and it’s not normal.  I’m going back out to the car.  (he starts to leave)

SKIP
Brian, c’mon!  We’re guys.  Didn’t you ever look at another guy as a kid?

BRIAN
Absolutely not. Are you kidding?

ROGER
Remember, Skip, he grew up Catholic.  They’re uptight about that stuff.

BRIAN
Fuck you!

ROGER
I did this with my guy friends every Friday night in middle school.

SKIP
Yeah, and at summer camp.

ROGER
Couple of us even did it in the showers after swim practice.  That was high school though.  Still fun.

BRIAN
I don’t want to hear any more of this.

BRIAN shivers again, and moves to the door.  He stumbles as he goes to the door.  He seems dizzy all of the sudden.

SKIP jumps up and catches BRIAN before he goes down.  ROGER comes to the two of them and helps SKIP set BRIAN down easily on the hay.   BRIAN is a little confused.

SKIP
Brian.  Brian!  BRIAN!

BRIAN
What?

ROGER
What’s wrong?

SKIP
I don’t know.  I think he’s too cold.  He’s really shivering.

ROGER
Get him out of the clothes.

BRIAN (groggy)
NO!

SKIP
Fuck you, Brian.  You don’t have much choice.

SKIP pins BRIAN down and tears the wet shirt off, while ROGER takes off his boots, socks, and pants.  He’s got no underwear on.  There’s a bright flash, and a loud clap of thunder.

ROGER
Who knew you would go commando?

SKIP
You’re shitting me!

ROGER
I’m not.  It’s not even no undies Monday.

BRIAN is completely naked and pinned to the ground by his two naked friends.  He continues to struggle against them.  SKIP and ROGER pull him back to the hay pile and they lay around him, trying to warm him.  They rub his body with their hands.

BRIAN finally stops fighting them.  His breathing is still fast, and he suddenly begins sobbing.  He can’t stop crying.

SKIP
Brian, what’s wrong, man?

ROGER
Buddy?  Are you hurt?

BRIAN shakes his head no, but he can’t stop crying.  He reaches out and puts his arms around SKIP, who he’s facing.  SKIP looks at ROGER, who shrugs and puts his arms around BRIAN.  There’s one more bright flash and loud clap of thunder.  The rain continues to fall loudly on the roof of the barn, as the lights fade to black on the three naked men holding each other. 

 Posted by at 7:28 pm
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