Joe Salvatore

The Barn

Thanks to Virgil Thomson and Gertrude Stein for the inspiration: Four Saints in Three Acts

Thunder and lightning.  There’s a lot of rain coming down outside.  Three men sit huddled in the corner of a barn.  They are surrounded by hay.  They wear flannel shirts, jeans, and boots.  All three are wet.  One is shivering.  The other two are trying to keep him warm.

BRIAN is 32, tall, brown hair, deep brown eyes, and thin build.  He wears a red flannel shirt.  He is the wettest of the three.  His clothes stick to him.  ROGER is 34, medium height, red hair and blue eyes.  He wears a green flannel shirt, and he is the one who is shivering.  SKIP is 30, shorter, built like a wrestler.  He wears a blue flannel shirt.  He has blonde hair and green eyes.  As the play begins, he is kicking off his boots.

SKIP
I told you guys we should’ve turned the other way on that road, but no, you wouldn’t listen.

BRIAN (taking off this flannel shirt and wringing it out; his wet t-shirt reveals his torso)
I’m not the one who—

ROGER
Don’t blame me, Brian.  You always try to blame me when these weekend go wrong.

BRIAN
I wasn’t blaming you, Roger.  I was saying that I’m not the one who suggested we run out of the car.

SKIP
You were the first one out of the car.  That’s why you’re so wet. (He sneezes.)  Fucking great.  I can’t afford to get a cold.  I’ve got a big presentation for work this week.

BRIAN
You’ll be fine, Skip.  You’re such a fucking hypochondriac.  It’s rain.

SKIP
Yeah, but it’s cold, and this presentation has a promotion riding on it.

ROGER
Can you guys help me out here?  I can’t stop shivering.  I don’t know what’s wrong.

SKIP and BRIAN look at each other, and they start to inch closer to ROGER.  It’s slightly uncomfortable for them.  ROGER is grateful, but the wetness is making him colder.

ROGER
Brian, can’t you get rid of your wet clothes?  You’re making it worse.  You’re soaking wet.

BRIAN
What do you want me to do?

SKIP
Take the clothes off.

BRIAN
What?

SKIP
Take the clothes off, Brian.  It’s just us.  No one’s around.  We knocked on the farmhouse door and no one answered.  Nobody’s gonna see you.

BRIAN
But I’m not—

ROGER
Please, Brian?  I can’t get warm.

BRIAN
No.

SKIP
Are you serious?

BRIAN
Yes, I’m serious.  I’m not hanging out in a barn naked with two other guys.

ROGER
You hang out with us naked in the locker room after the company softball games in the summer.

BRIAN
That’s different.

SKIP
How so?

BRIAN
It just is.

SKIP
Why?

BRIAN
Because we’re doing something there.  We’re getting changed after a game or a shower.  We’re not just hanging out waiting for rain to stop.

ROGER
We don’t know how long we’re going to be here.  The car wouldn’t even turn over.

ROGER shivers again.  He’s really cold.  It’s not a normal chill. SKIP sneezes again.

SKIP
I’m getting out of these clothes. I’m starting to get really cold.

SKIP stands up and starts to peel himself out of his clothes.  When he gets down to his boxer briefs, BRIAN stands up.

BRIAN
Whoa.  You’re keeping those on at least.

SKIP
Why?

BRIAN
Why do you need to take them off?

SKIP
Because they’re wet, and I want them to dry.

ROGER

Brian, why are you so uptight about this?  It’s just us.

BRIAN
I’m not uptight about anything.  It’s just—

SKIP (dropping his boxers)
It’s just what?

SKIP stands in front of them completely naked.  He’s very comfortable with himself.  He picks up his clothes and lays them out on the hay as if they might dry.  There’s a flash of lightning followed quickly by a very loud clap of thunder.  The three men jump. 

SKIP
Shit!  That was really close.

ROGER shivers again.  SKIP moves to ROGER and gets up close to him.  BRIAN watches all of this, then turns away.  He pulls out his cell phone.

BRIAN
Shit!  My phone’s still not working.  I can see condensation behind the screen.  It must be wet inside.  What about you guys?

SKIP gets up and walks over to his pants and pulls out his cell phone.

SKIP
No bars.  I have shitty service out here.

ROGER (pulls out his phone)
Me too.  Nothing.

BRIAN
Fuck.

SKIP (siting down again)
The storm will pass soon.  Brian, at least take your shirt off.  I can see your nipples are hard, so you must be cold.

BRIAN (covers his chest with his arms)
You’re gross, man.

ROGER
He’s stating a fact, Brian.  I can see them from here.  You’re being retarded about this.

ROGER gratefully snuggles into SKIP.  SKIP lays back in the hay and closes his eyes.  The pair look comfortable and warm.  BRIAN looks at them and shivers.  He reluctantly peels his shirt off and sits down next to ROGER on the other side.  But he won’t look at SKIP.

ROGER
Not so bad, right?

BRIAN
Whatever.

ROGER
We’re just staying warm, man.  Nothing else.

SKIP
I’m already warmer.  This hay is great.

BRIAN
I don’t understand how taking off your clothes makes you warmer.

SKIP
Simple science, Brian.  Moisture evaporates off skin faster than cloth.  So my body’s dry now.  The clothes are still wet.

ROGER sits up and starts to unbutton his flannel shirt.

BRIAN
What’re you doing now?

ROGER
Taking my shirt off.

BRIAN
I thought you were freezing.

ROGER
Didn’t you just hear what Skip said?

BRIAN
Yeah, but you’re not soaking wet.

ROGER
I’m wetter than when we started because you’re soaking wet.  If you’d just cooperate, we’d all be better off.

BRIAN
I’m not taking off anything else.

ROGER
Suit yourself.

ROGER stands up and removes all of his clothes.  When he gets to his briefs, BRIAN freaks a bit.  He gets up and walks across the barn.

BRIAN
Is that really necessary? You two are really gonna sit here completely naked with each other and “dry off.”

ROGER
Yeah.

BRIAN
What if somebody finds us?

ROGER
Again?  We’ve been through this.

SKIP
So what if they do?

BRIAN
What are they gonna think?

ROGER (drops his briefs and places all of this clothes near SKIP’s; winks at SKIP)
They’re gonna think we’re shooting a porno.

BRIAN
You’re disgusting.

SKIP
It’s called “Dudes in the Gay Hay.”

ROGER
Starring Skip Jones, Roger Brill, and Brian Drummond.

BRIAN
Shut up!  Don’t even joke about it.

ROGER (sits back down next to SKIP)
Chill out, man.

BRIAN paces around the barn as his two friends sit down together.  They watch him pace a bit.

SKIP
Do you know how many sperm cells you’re killing by keeping your wet clothes on?

BRIAN
What are you talking about?

SKIP
I’m serious.  Your sperm need a certain temperature to stay alive.  Too much cold makes them die.

BRIAN
You’re so full of shit.

ROGER
He’s serious, Brian.  Didn’t you learn that in bio?

BRIAN
Bio was a long time ago.

SKIP
Well, let me refresh your memory.  Your sack contracts to keep your balls close to your body and your sperm at body temperature.  If you’re cold, your sack pulls up closer.  I bet your balls are sucked up into your abdomen.

BRIAN shivers.

SKIP
See!  You’re freezing.

BRIAN
I am not.

ROGER
I just saw you shiver.  I haven’t shivered since Skip dropped trou, and now I feel great.  And look, my sack is nice and loose.

SKIP (he looks at ROGER and then at his own)
Yeah, you’re right. Mine too.

BRIAN (mortified)
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

SKIP
What?

BRIAN
You’re like looking at each other’s… at each other’s—

ROGER
Balls?

SKIP
Dicks?

BRIAN
YES!  I can’t believe you two are doing this.  Are you two gay or something?  You’re like talking about your sacks and you’re checking each other out, and it’s not normal.  I’m going back out to the car.  (he starts to leave)

SKIP
Brian, c’mon!  We’re guys.  Didn’t you ever look at another guy as a kid?

BRIAN
Absolutely not. Are you kidding?

ROGER
Remember, Skip, he grew up Catholic.  They’re uptight about that stuff.

BRIAN
Fuck you!

ROGER
I did this with my guy friends every Friday night in middle school.

SKIP
Yeah, and at summer camp.

ROGER
Couple of us even did it in the showers after swim practice.  That was high school though.  Still fun.

BRIAN
I don’t want to hear any more of this.

BRIAN shivers again, and moves to the door.  He stumbles as he goes to the door.  He seems dizzy all of the sudden.

SKIP jumps up and catches BRIAN before he goes down.  ROGER comes to the two of them and helps SKIP set BRIAN down easily on the hay.   BRIAN is a little confused.

SKIP
Brian.  Brian!  BRIAN!

BRIAN
What?

ROGER
What’s wrong?

SKIP
I don’t know.  I think he’s too cold.  He’s really shivering.

ROGER
Get him out of the clothes.

BRIAN (groggy)
NO!

SKIP
Fuck you, Brian.  You don’t have much choice.

SKIP pins BRIAN down and tears the wet shirt off, while ROGER takes off his boots, socks, and pants.  He’s got no underwear on.  There’s a bright flash, and a loud clap of thunder.

ROGER
Who knew you would go commando?

SKIP
You’re shitting me!

ROGER
I’m not.  It’s not even no undies Monday.

BRIAN is completely naked and pinned to the ground by his two naked friends.  He continues to struggle against them.  SKIP and ROGER pull him back to the hay pile and they lay around him, trying to warm him.  They rub his body with their hands.

BRIAN finally stops fighting them.  His breathing is still fast, and he suddenly begins sobbing.  He can’t stop crying.

SKIP
Brian, what’s wrong, man?

ROGER
Buddy?  Are you hurt?

BRIAN shakes his head no, but he can’t stop crying.  He reaches out and puts his arms around SKIP, who he’s facing.  SKIP looks at ROGER, who shrugs and puts his arms around BRIAN.  There’s one more bright flash and loud clap of thunder.  The rain continues to fall loudly on the roof of the barn, as the lights fade to black on the three naked men holding each other. 

So last week I was wrapped up in another artistic project, and it was impossible to get the time to write a play for the blog.  I’ve been trying to catch up this week, and the only way to get manage two plays in one week was to write one on the subway.  I wrote this very short play on my iPhone riding up to see my boyfriend.  I started at 14th Street-Union Square, switched at Times Square-42nd Street, and then missed my stop (116th Street).  However, the play was finished by the time I made it to 125th Street.  Enjoy!

Germs

A small NYC kitchen. Dirty pots and pans are everywhere. The sink is overflowing with dirty dishes. GLORIA is standing in front of the sink with her back to the audience. She is in her late 20s, brunette, dark framed glasses, slight build.  She is covered with flower, her hair is a mess, and she gingerly holds a cell phone to her ear.

GLORIA
What do you mean you dropped it?  I mean seriously how can you drop a wedding cake?  Oh, I’m sorry, how do you let a cake “slip.”  Do you know how long it took me to make that cake?  Like six hours. No, I can’t just re-make it!  The wedding is this afternoon. (She looks at her watch; it’s covered in frosting. She wipes it off.). It’s in two hours. Two. Hours. No, I can’t just throw something together. And don’t yell at me. I’m not the one who dropped the fucking cake. I ask you to do one thing to help me, and you blow it. Just a cake?  Just a cake??!?  I’ll have you know that cake was a butter cream cake, and that recipe has been in the family for four generations. My grandmother’s great aunt taught her how to make that cake. Don’t start in about my father’s crazy mother.  Those clinets are paying me a lot of money for that cake, and now it’s all over the bottom of your goddamned van. I don’t give a good fuck if there was a sudden stop. I pay you to deliver my cakes. Not drop them all over the floor of your van. How could you do this to me?  Yeah, well fuck you too, Mom!

GLORIA hangs up the phone and starts to frantically clean the kitchen. The sound of a door opens, and JASON enters. He’s in his late 20s, blonde, athletic, handsome.  He’s covered in mud. He tries to give Gloria a kiss.

GLORIA
What are you doing? Jesus, you’re disgusting!  Get out of the kitchen.

JASON
What’s wrong with you?  Not even a little kiss after my mudder?

GLORIA
I’ve got to get this cleaned up and bake another cake.

JASON
But you were almost done when I left.

GLORIA
I don’t want to talk about it.

JASON
No, what happened.? (he takes off his muddy shirt)

GLORIA
Not in the kitchen, Jason. I’m trying to clean up so I can start again, and you’re making it unsanitary.

JASON
It’s just my shirt.

GLORIA
But it’s filthy and you’re spreading germs.  The kitchen needs to be germ-free. I’m feeding the public.

JASON
This moonlighting as a baker thing is starting to get really old.  What happened to the damned cake?

GLORIA
My mother dropped it.

JASON
What?

GLORIA
She dropped the cake.

JASON
Your mother dropped the cake?

GLORIA
She slammed the brakes on the van to avoid an accident, and the cake slid. She thought it was secure, and it wasn’t. Fucking nightmare.

JASON
Gloria, is your mom ok?

GLORIA
I didn’t ask. She started yelling at me and I didn’t even think to ask. I’m so pissed at her right now.

JASON
Wow. So Sally dropped the cake. (He starts to laugh to himself, goes to the fridge, pulls out a milk carton, and drinks right from it.)

GLORIA
What are you doing? I need that milk for the new cake.

She grabs the carton and the milk spills out all over Jason. He is now muddy and covered in milk.

JASON
What the fuck, Gloria? You almost split my lip. Shit…

GLORIA
I’ve told you before about drinking out of the carton. We’ve got to be germ-free for these baking jobs.

JASON
Whatever.

GLORIA goes back to washing the dishes and ignores JASON. He’s dripping wet. He looks down at himself, looks at GLORIA, and proceeds to remove all of his wet clothes. He goes to the fridge, gets out a Gatorade and stands naked in the kitchen, drinking his Gatorade. GLORIA does not look up from her cleaning.)

GLORIA
I hope you’re not drinking the milk again, Jason.

JASON
No worries. I don’t want to spread any germs in your kitchen.

GLORIA turns to respond, sees him standing there naked and screams bloody murder. Blackout.