Big Gay Gradual Release
With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt and to Pearson and Gallagher (1983) for the term.
Lights up to find three men standing against a wall. There is loud music playing and lights flashing. The guys are each holding a drink. Two of them, MARK and PAT, are standing close together. They wear jeans and tight t-shirts, typical NYC gay club uniform. They are in their early 30s. Similar looking. A matched set, if you will.
The third guy, TOM, stands near them. The three are at the club together. TOM is looking out into the crowd, searching for someone. He wears a pair of board shorts and is otherwise bare-chested. His own t-shirt is tucked into the waistband of the shorts. He’s also got sunglasses on. TOM is younger, maybe 25.
PAT
How much longer do we have to stay here?
MARK
As long as we have to, Pat.
PAT (drinking)
I hope you’ve got a lot of cash or a bottomless credit card, cause if we have to stay here much longer, I’m going to have keep drinking. A lot.
MARK
Would you stop complaining? We came here all the time. And if my memory serves me correctly, Mark, you used to love it.
PAT
Right. Emphasis on “used to.” This place is so tired. All these really young guys in here acting like maniacs. Shirts off.
MARK
Is the shirts off part really such a torture for you?
PAT
Uh, more of an awful reminder that the metabolism slows way down in the 30s. Waaaay down. (He drains his drink.)
TOM
You want another?
PAT
Yeah, I–
MARK
In a few minutes. Pace yourself, Tiger. It’s gonna be a bumpy night.
TOM
Hey! I know that line! It’s from The Women, right?
PAT
No. Not quite.
MARK
Right actress, wrong movie. It was actually All About Eve.
TOM
Right. Crap. Sorry. Still learning the lingo.
PAT (to MARK)
Lingo?
MARK
Just humor him, please?
TOM
If you guys don’t want anything, I’m gonna go get another drink from the bar.
MARK
Sounds good. We’ll wait here.
PAT
Yeah, we’ll just be hear against the wall, watching the world dance by.
TOM
Is that a song lyric?
PAT
No, but it should’ve been.
TOM goes off to get his drink. PAT and MARK stand silently for a moment.
MARK
Thanks for coming out with me. I know you hate this place now.
PAT
I don’t hate it, Mark. I just don’t like how old it makes me feel. It’s like I’m everyone’s old uncle in here. And it’s hard not stare and then I get caught and I feel like some kind of troll.
MARK
Trolls are much older, Pat. You’re no wheres near being a troll. You’ve got like 20 years or so left before you get that designation.
PAT
Thanks. Very comforting. Why did he want to come here again?
MARK
He said that he’s been reading about this place ever since he came out, and he wanted his big brother to bring him to his first gay club in the city.
PAT
I still can’t believe that you’re brother’s gay, Mark. I never once suspected any of it, and I have really good Gay-Dar.
MARK
Gay-Dar is good but not flawless.
PAT
I know, but—
MARK
Remember what happened in Amsterdam?
PAT
Please don’t bring that up.
MARK
That Russian guy nearly decked you.
PAT
He looked like one of those East European porn guys! I thought for sure it was him. I just wanted an autograph.
MARK
But asking for one by grabbing his ass at the bar proved to be not the best approach.
PAT
It was Amsterdam for Christ’s sake! Everyone’s supposed to be “sooo open” in Amsterdam.
MARK
“Sooo open” doesn’t mean it’s a “Please Touch Museum.”
PAT
Well, I’m just glad you took Russian in college. Your quick thinking saved my face. What did you say to him anyway? You wouldn’t tell me. Said I was too drunk to remember what you said anyway.
MARK
I told him that you had some disease that caused you to have involuntary spasms.
PAT
You did not.
MARK
I did.
PAT
You knew how to say that? After two semesters of Russian?
MARK
I had a creative teacher for Russian. He liked to teach us alternative phrases. One who class was dedicated to bar pick up lines, embarrassing excuses, and apologies.
PAT
And that was one of them?
MARK
Yeah. I think my teacher might have been gay and a little bit of a perv. He was from Spain—
PAT
Teaching Russian?
MARK
Yeah, and his wife taught Chemistry.
PAT
Very weird.
MARK
Anyway, I would always bump into him on the street, and he’d always ask me when I was going to come swimming at the gym.
PAT
Creepy.
MARK
Big time. He was kind of handsome, in a teacher kind of way, but he definitely creeped me out a bit. But you owe your face, so we shouldn’t be too catty about him.
TOM returns with another drink.
MARK
Are you having a good time, Baby Bro?
TOM
Maarrrkkk, please don’t call me “Baby Bro” when we’re out in public like this. How am I ever gonna meet a guy if you call me “Baby Bro.”
PAT
You oughta let some of these guys here him call you that. It might be your express ticket to getting laid.
MARK
Pat!
TOM
Very funny.
PAT
It’s the truth! Guys like this Bro thing, and I’m sure some of these older guys are looking for younger bro types for no strings fun.
MARK
You sound like a craigslist ad.
PAT
In my line of work, it’s important to know the language of the people.
TOM
You work in a costume shop. How is Craigslist the language of those people?
PAT
Listen, honey. I do fittings with every tight-bodied chorus boy in this city. I’ve seen more dance-belted ass crack than I care to remember. Every one of those boys has zero percent body fat, and all they do is piss and moan about how they never have time for a date. They’re soooo busy all the time. Dancing, performing, whooping it up, smoking outside the stage door. Whatever. So I know a thing or two about what some of these guys are looking for. Don’t question your brother-in-law’s knowledge base about fag language.
TOM
OK. Sorry—
MARK
Pat–?
PAT
For someone who’s only been out for three months, you’ve got a lot to say about how things work.
MARK
That’s enough, Pat.
TOM
I barely said—
PAT
And another thing. Why don’t you put your goddamned shirt back on?
MARK
Pat, that’s enough.
TOM
It’s hot in here, Pat. Lay off.
MARK
Pat, you need to relax.
PAT
I don’t know why he wore that ridiculous pair of board shorts. He looks like a fucking Hawaiian Punch commercial. Or an episode of Jersey Shore.
TOM
Why are you being such a dick all the sudden? Three hours ago you couldn’t wait to come here. You can just go if you don’t want to be here. Mark, just go.
MARK
We’re not going.
PAT
Why are we staying here? He just said we could go.
MARK
I’m not leaving him in this club by himself.
PAT
Why not?
TOM
Yeah, why not?
MARK
Because you’ve only been out for three months.
TOM
So?
MARK
Somebody needs to watch out for you.
TOM
Why? I’m a big boy, Mark.
MARK
You may be a big boy, but there are shitty people in places like this.
TOM
I’ve been to gay bars before. Just because I’m out for three months doesn’t mean I’ve only been going to these places for three months.
PAT
Right.
MARK
Shut up, Pat.
TOM
You need to let me figure this out, Mark. I’m not going to figure it out if you hold my hand through it.
MARK
But you said you wanted to go to this club for the first time with me.
TOM
Yeah, just like we went to a baseball game together or an amusement park. You didn’t have to hold my hand when we did that, did you?
MARK
No, but—
PAT
He’s got a point, Mark.
MARK
I said to stay out of this!
PAT
I’m not going to stay out of this! I’ve been standing here with you all night. You keep watching over him like a hawk, he wants to meet people. He needs to be here a along, Mark. We walked him in, we showed him around, you two gay brothers have been here together–
TOM
–which is what I wanted–
PAT
–and now it’s time for us to let him figure the rest out himself. Do you have a key?
MARK
But–
PAT
And you know how to get back to the apartment?
TOM
3 blocks north and 2 long blocks east.
PAT
Exactly.
MARK
We can’t–
TOM
Yes, you can.
PAT
Yes, we can.
TOM
Thanks.
PAT
If you meet someone, bring him to our place so you won’t go somewhere alone. It might upset your brother to hear you getting it on, so keep the noise down a bit. And there are condoms in the nightstand next to the bed in the guestroom.
MARK
Why are there condoms in that nightstand?
PAT
Guests get laid too, honey, not just you.
TOM
T-M-I
MARK
Ditto on that.
PAT
Oh, c’mon. Who are you trying to kid? Do you really expect anyone to believe otherwise?
MARK
I can’t believe that you’re–
TOM
OK, boys. Why don’t you two continue this on the walk home. I’ll be here for another couple of hours, so there’s plenty of time for you to fight it out then fuck it out and be sound asleep when I get home.
PAT
Fight it out then fuck it out. That’s a good one. I’m going to use that if you don’t mind.
TOM
Not mine, so feel free.
MARK
Are you sure you want us to leave?
PAT
He’s sure.
TOM
I’m sure. Thanks for bringing me. I won’t forget being here with you.
MARK
Be careful.
TOM
I will.
PAT
Let’s go, Auntie Em. We have to fight it out on the way home. And then follow your baby brother’s advise when we get into the apartment.
PAT kisses MARK on the forehead and leads him out of the club. TOM watches them go, then turns back to look into the club as the music and lights come back up to full. After a moment, he makes eye contact with someone, points to his chest and mouths “Me?” then smiles broadly, downs his drink and heads out into the dance floor as the lights black out.