Who’s Your Brother-Baby-Daddy?
With special thanks to ScriptWorks for the prompt
Lights up on a table at a restaurant. There are three people sitting at the table, each one is looking at a menu. There’s silence as JOANNE puts down her menu, picks up a glass of water, and takes sip. As she does so, JASON lowers his menu and looks at JOANNE. She smiles and says nothing. JASON returns to looking at his menu. JULIE puts her menu on her plate, nervously picks it up again, puts it down, and looks at JOANNE.
JULIE
Joanne?
JOANNE
What?
JULIE
Do you know what you want to order?
JOANNE
I do…
JULIE
What are you getting?
JOANNE
I’ll start with the house salad and then have the red snapper.
JULIE
And?
JOANNE
And what?
JULIE
What are you going to have with the snapper?
JOANNE (looking at the menu)
Uhhh, whatever it comes with? Rice and a vegetable? Something like that?
JULIE
Uh huh.
JOANNE looks at JULIE bewildered and then over to MARK.
JOANNE
Mark, what are you having?
MARK
I’m not sure yet. I hear they have great burgers here, but I’m not sure that I want something that heavy, you know?
JOANNE
I know what you mean. I had a big lunch, so I don’t need a huge dinner.
JULIE
You really should be eating a lot of protein.
JOANNE
I’m eating protein, Julie, you don’t have to worry.
JULIE
Worry? Who said I’m worrying? I’m just saying…
MARK
You’re worrying, Joanne, I can tell. You’ve got that edge in your voice.
JULIE (sharply)
What edge?
JOANNE and MARK look at each other knowingly.
JULIE (sharply again)
What?
JOANNE and MARK (laughing)
That one.
JULIE
Very funny.
MARK
It is actually. You are so tense about everything all the sudden.
JOANNE
It’s not all the sudden. She’s like this all the time. You just don’t see it cause you’re not around all the time.
JULIE
That’s not true!
JOANNE
OK, I lied. She’s as cool as a cucumber all the time.
JOANNE and MARK laugh together again. JULIE fumes.
JULIE
If you two are going to keep having these little “private giggles” together, I’m leaving.
MARK
Private giggles? We’re giggling right in front of you, Jules!
They laugh again. JULIE slams her menu down.
JULIE
STOP IT!
There is silence as all three look around as if other restaurant patrons are looking at them.
JOANNE
Why are you being so sensitive about everything?
MARK (trying to calm her)
Yeah, c’mon, we’re just having fun. This is supposed to be a celebration.
JULIE
Neither of you seem to be taking any of this very seriously, and I’m getting sick of being the only one who’s worried.
JOANNE
Well, maybe you should stop worrying about it. There’s nothing to worry about.
JULIE
This is how it goes with you, Joanne. You always act like I’m the one making a big deal out of everything and—
JOANNE
That’s because you usually do.
JULIE
Well, this is a big deal. You haven’t been eating like the doctor told you to. And now it may jeopardize the baby and—
JOANNE
Whoa. Julie. We don’t even know if there’s a baby to worry about. There’s no guarantee that it took.
JULIE
But—
JOANNE
And I have been eating the way the doctor suggested. I lost the weight she suggested, I changed my protein intake like she suggested, and I’ve been exercising to prep for carrying the baby. What more do you want me to do?
JULIE
I want you to take is seriously.
JOANNE
I am taking it seriously. I’m just not catastrophizing it from the moment of conception. If there’s even anything conceived.
MARK
Jules, you’ve got to calm down about this. Less stress will be better all around.
JULIE
I know, but—
MARK
But what?
JULIE
I just don’t know what else to do. Worrying is really the only contribution I can make.
JOANNE
What’s that supposed to mean?
JULIE
I’m just not feeling very included.
MARK
Jules—
JULIE
Mark, shut up for a second. You may be the donor and my brother, but this is about me for a second.
JOANNE
We talked about this before we asked Mark. You said you were fine with your brother being the donor. You were the one who suggested we ask him.
JULIE
I know I did, and I’m fine with him. I want our baby to have some of my family DNA, not some random dudes genetic material.
MARK
It is good DNA.
JULIE
Mark, please?
MARK
OK. Quieting down. Why don’t I just go to the restroom for a minute and let you two figure this out.
MARK gets up to go, but JOANNE stops him.
JOANNE
No, sit down. There’s no reason for you to go anywhere. We’re perfectly fine discussing this with you.
JULIE
I’m not—
JOANNE
OK, Jules. Listen very carefully to what saying to you. I’ve said it before and you obviously aren’t listening, so I’ll say it again. We’ve wanted a baby for a long time.
JULIE
Five years.
JOANNA
What did I say? Yes. Five years. You tried for three of those years to get pregnant, and it never took. You kept insisting that you wanted to be the biological mother, but it’s not in the cards. This biological DNA compromise was to ask your brother. And Mark agreed. He may be your baby brother, but he’s also now potentially the father of this baby. If there’s even a baby to worry about yet. But whatever happens, I’m not going to go through with it if you’re going to act like this for nine months and then eighteen years. I’m not going to raise a child with a jealous person.
JULIE
Jealous person?
JOANNE
You heard what I said.
JULIE
How am I a jealous person? I’m just trying to make sure that you do the right things for the baby. Do you think this about me being jealous of Mark? That I’m worrying and nagging because of something else?
JOANNE
I don’t know. You tell me.
JULIE
Don’t pull all this psycho babble crap on me. Save it for your patients.
JULIE gets up to go.
MARK
Julie—
JULIE
Mark, shut up.
JOANNE
Don’t talk to him that way.
JULIE (sits back down, angry)
Who are you in this relationship with now? Him or me?
JOANNE
That’s a stupid question.
JULIE
Is it? Mark?
MARK
Why would I be in a relationship with Joanne?
JULIE
You certainly seem more interested in her now.
MARK
What are you talking about?
JULIE
You text her to make sure she’s feeling OK. You kept texting about her temperature.
MARK
I wanted to know when she was ovulating!
JULIE
Why should you even care?
MARK
Uh, I am helping out here. In kind of a big way.
JULIE
Right, but I thought you were going to be pretty removed. When we asked you, you said that you didn’t really want much to do with the baby other than providing the sperm.
MARK
Right.
JULIE
That seems to have changed.
MARK
Nothing’s changed, Jules! You’re the one who invited me to participate. You’re also the one who invited me to dinner. Why are you inviting me to these things if you want me to be silent or absent?
There is silence. JOANNE looks at JULIE.
JOANNE
What’s the answer?
JULIE
What?
JOANNE
Answer your brother’s question.
JULIE
I invited you because I’m trying to include you and thank you. But it’s really hard. Harder than I thought. If this sticks, you two will have something shared that I’ll never have with either of you. I will always be the outsider.
MARK
What are you talking about? You and Joanne will be the parents. I’ll be the uncle. That’s what we agreed.
JOANNE
Julie…
JULIE
I know, I know. I know all of that. But it was easier to say it would be OK and harder to accept it. Now that it’s a reality.
JOANNE
Might be a reality.
JULIE
Right.
MARK
Maybe it didn’t even work. Maybe I have bad sperm.
JOANNE
That’s not what the fertility doctor said, but…
MARK
But?
JOANNE
Is that what we should be hoping for? Julie?
JULIE
What?
MARK
That I have bad sperm? So that this doesn’t take?
JULIE
No, of course not.
There’s a pause. JOANNE speaks first.
JOANNE
Are you sure?
JULIE looks at JOANNE then at MARK. She picks up the menu and goes back to trying to make a choice.
JULIE
I’m really torn between steak and the pasta. Joanne, what are you having again?
And as MARK and JOANNE stare at JULIE, the lights fade to black.