Taking stock of 2016

Taking stock of 2016 feels like an enormous task given all that's happened in just 12 months. Feels like some kind of massive shift is about to happen, but I can't really tell whether to fear it or embrace it. For me, 2016 has more highlights than lowlights, but here's a quick summary taking many moments into account.

Enthroned

Jenny Macdonald in Enthroned at the 2016 New York International Fringe Festival
Photo by J. D. Moran

This collaboration with writer-performer Jenny Macdonald and scenographer Troy Hourie made last year's list as well, and the project only continued to provide valuable learning experiences, moving rehearsal and performance moments, and an expanding web of collaborators and audiences who were touched by Jenny's profound writing and performance of this autoethnodramatic, one-person show. Jenny's world premiere at Dublin's First Fortnight Festival and her American premiere at the 20th New York International Fringe Festival garnered lots of support and positive affirmations for the work's bravery and its lasting impact. It's been an honor to work as a director and dramaturg on this piece, and I know it will continue to impact audiences in the coming year.


Full City+

Rehearsal of Full City+, episode 5. Marissa Feinberg, Karl O'Brian Williams, and James Webb
Photo by Justin Rogers

So Keith R. Huff and I wanted to write a site-specific serial comedy that would create an immersive theatre experience in a coffee shop in Harlem. Manhattanville Coffee agreed to host the event on six Friday evenings in October and November. Five actors came on board to fill the principal roles, and eight more actors filled guest starring roles over five of the six episodes. Keith and I co-wrote over 200 pages of material in about two months, and the actors learned all that material in less five hours of rehearsal per week. Close to 200 audience members experienced our first season of Full City+, and we're exploring all of our options for a second season in 2017. Stay tuned!

Book chapters
I had the pleasure of working on two book chapters in 2016. The first chapter on ethnodrama and ethnotheatre will appear in Patricia Leavy’s new Handbook of Arts-Based Research set for publication in 2017 through Guilford Press. The second chapter examines opportunities and challenges with performed and embodied research and is co-authored with Nisha Sajnani and Richard Sallis. That chapter emerged from a public conversation that the three of had in April as part of the NYU Forum on Educational Theatre podcast series, and it’s set to appear in Drama Research Methods: Provocations of Practice, edited by Peter Duffy, Christine Hatton, and Richard Sallis, published by Sense Publishers. While all of this writing took a lot of time, it really helped me to solidify my positions and ideas on these forms of research and playmaking.

Teaching playwriting for the first time
In July, I had the chance to teach a three-week intensive playwriting course focused on the 10-minute play format. I had an excellent group of students, and they produced exciting and innovative 10-minute plays for adult actors and young, school-aged actors.

Jonas

Evening of Saturday, January 23, 2016. Convent Avenue looking north from 145th Street in Manhattan.

January 23 marked the largest snowstorm to date in NYC (I think) with 27.5 inches measured in Central Park. It was certainly the biggest snowstorm during my sixteen years living here. Otherwise, the weather was pretty calm throughout the year. I love the fall and the winter in NYC!

Losing Buster

From February 19, 2016

On July 21, my dear cat Buster left this world to find his brother Dusty and his dad Craig. We got Buster in September 2003 from a shelter in Brooklyn, largely as a companion for Craig while he was home recovering from his chemo. Buster provided us with hours of enjoyment and companionship, and he became a great big brother to Dusty who passed away before him in 2013. After that, it was Buster and I for three years, and he was with me every step of the way. I miss him terribly, especially now in the winter when he used to jump up on the bed at night and cuddle next to me to stay warm. In a strange and somewhat ironic turn of events, Buster passed just a couple months before the 10th anniversary of Craig’s passing in September. It felt like a marking of time in some way, like the end of a chapter.

Vacation 2016: Asia

Sunrise on the beach at Koh Yao Noi in Thailand.

In August, I spent two weeks traveling through Asia with Miguel, Claudia, and Elena. We visited Beijing and the Great Wall in China, Koh Yao Noi and Bangkok in Thailand, and Tokyo, Japan. The trip provided us all with great memories and with a lot of learning along the way. The biggest takeaway for me: the United States of America is not the center of the universe. I knew this already, but I appreciated the reminder over and over again throughout the trip.

The election
This year has been a toughie. The presidential election process caused me lots of angst and inner turmoil. For many reasons, I’m loathe for January 21, 2017 to arrive. I’m less afraid of Donald Trump because he can’t keep a position on anything for me than 30 seconds and more afraid of the Republican Party’s overall agenda for the “United” States. A close read of the 2016 Republican Platform reveals unpleasant ideas about what the GOP believes should happen to the rights of LGBTQ people (see pages 31 and 32), not to mention the rights of women, immigrants (legal and undocumented), and countless of other US citizens (health care). After a certain point in 2016, when the circus became too much for me to bear, I decided that I had nothing left to say. I got tired of arguing and found it depressing that people could actually think Donald Trump and a Republican agenda were good ideas for the country. Subsequently, after the election, I’ve had friends and colleagues who’ve been physically and/or verbally attacked here in NYC for reasons easily linked to the rise of hate and hate crimes in the post-election environment. It pains me to imagine what it must be like in places where kids are chanting, “Build the wall” as their classmates sit and try to eat lunch. But this is what the electorate as defined by the electoral college wants, and this is how our strange sense of democracy works in the United States. Bottom line: The phrase “liberty and justice for all” feels pretty empty right now, as it’s very clear that “all” really means “some.” The straight, white, cis male, heteronormative “some.”

PRs in two races

I set personal records at two race distances this year. 28:03 for a 4-miler and 1:09:44 for a 15K. The prior 4-mile best had been in place since 2011, so it felt great to finally break that by 51 seconds. And I PRed at 15K in the same race last year, but dropped 1:54 off of that time in 2016. See the next entries below for reasons why.

The Whole30
In June, I committed to something called a Whole30. I basically ate only meat, vegetables, fruit, eggs, some nuts, and fats for 30 days. I hadn’t been feeling all that great, and I wanted to do some kind of food reset. I eliminated all gluten, dairy, legumes, corn, processed sugar, and alcohol for 30 days, and I learned a ton about what food can do in positive ways and negative ways. I didn’t start eating this way to lose weight, nor did I start working out like a madman. In fact, my workouts stayed virtually the same. After 30 days, I felt so good that I’ve continued to eat following the basic tenets of the Whole20 program. The exceptions are that I do have alcohol and sugar, but I stay away from dairy and gluten as much as possible. To date, I’ve lost 20 pounds without trying, and I’ve experienced a significant shift in my moods and my ability to handle stressful situations. No more random inflammation around my eyes, and I can actually see muscles that I never knew existed. Now I’m working on how to re-introduce the occasional pastry or milk-based item without face planting into a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s an experiment, but I love the results.
 

Primal movement
This year I’ve been learning about primal movement in my weekly sessions with my trainer Jonathan Angelilli. This movement practice is somewhat difficult to explain, but it feels like a fully integrated approach to movement that gives me lots of information about my body. This movement practice takes up more than 50% of each training session with Jonathan, and I now integrate at least 5 minutes of it before a run and 10 minutes before a race. I also use it to calm myself when work or life just stresses me out. It’s been a game changer. I don’t have pain when I run, my guts are less knotted after I do it, and I’ve become a lot more aware of when I’m out of alignment and/or not breathing while I move. And I’m sure this movement practice coupled with my new understanding of food contributed significantly to those race PRs I mentioned above. I look forward to finding more uses for primal movement in the coming year.

It’s time to move forward into 2017. The tunnel into the new year looks a little foggy ahead, so I’m going to proceed with caution. And I’m carrying four hashtags into the New Year: #enterwithcuriosity, #vigilance, #resistanceasopportunity, #dontdwelldo

Wishing all of us a peaceful, enlightening, and lesson-filled 2017!

Day 31 of the Whole 30: Coming out the other side

So I did it. I'm on Day 31 of my Whole 30, a quest to eat whole, nutrient-dense foods and nothing else for 30 days. I could go right back to eating and drinking the way I was before, but I don't think that's going to happen.

I learned about the Whole 30 totally by chance, from Instagram of all places. I'd been looking for some way to cleanse my body, but I was apprehensive about doing a shorter juice cleanse or something like it. The Whole 30 seemed more holistic in its approach, and I liked that just reading about it had taught me some things.

I had been feeling bloated for months, experiencing on and off abdominal cramping, and struggling with a general tiredness all the time. My sleeping patterns were erratic, and my mood was generally not great. I also sensed that I'd lost some control of what I was putting into my body. At the end of a long academic year, I realized that I was coming home every night and mixing myself a cocktail. One cocktail, but a cocktail nonetheless. Not a big deal, but I wasn't happy with the habit.

The last 30 days have taught me a lot about my food and drink choices. First off, I was and probably still am addicted to carbohydrates. As a runner, I've been using carbohydrates as my primary source of fueling for runs with just a little bit of protein and fat. That has changed over the past four weeks. It took a bit of effort to figure out the fueling, but I think I've finally got it down, at least for shorter runs. Protein and some fat are key for me, and I've been adding some complex carbs, like roasted or sautéed sweet potatoes to give me a little boost.

When I first committed to the Whole 30, the list of things I couldn't eat felt totally overwhelming:

No dairy
No alcohol
No sugar
No processed foods
No grains
No legumes

I can eat vegetables, fruits, meat, most nuts, eggs. I have to read labels carefully because there's sugar in everything. Like most beef broths at Whole Foods. What? Yes. Added sugar is everywhere. Same with grains. Filler in so many things.

I've been having regular dreams about messing up. I dream that I start eating a slice of pizza and then spit it out because I realize that I shouldn't be eating it. In one dream I was eating greens with white crumbles, realized those were feta, and promptly freaked out.

At first I thought the dreams were kind of funny, but as they've continued and I've continued with the Whole 30, I realize that the dreams reveal something very important. The carbohydrate addiction runs deep. The pizza dream is recurring. Those simple carbs represent a whole lot more than calories for me, and I am continuing to work to understand why. I've missed the social aspect of alcohol, but not really the alcohol itself. I've not missed dairy very much at all, although I have an occasional overwhelming urge for soft-serv.  But it's the grains: the bread, the pasta, the pretzels. Oy, the pretzels. I can't believe how powerful they are for me. It's going to be a continual process to maintain some semblance of order.

And I'm going to continue. The benefits of eating this way have been significant enough over 30 days for me to want to continue to the best of my ability. The recurring random puffiness around my eyes is gone. They would essentially blister on my bottom eye lids, and no doctor could explain why. Gone. My moods have leveled off significantly. I'm not skipping down the street singing "The hills are alive...," but I definitely feel less low, less erratic. My acid reflux is not entirely gone, but it's significantly better. I think it's connected to coffee. I kind of knew that already, but it's becoming more and more apparent. I'm also sleeping much better, other than the panicked pizza dreams. And finally, I think my general body temperature is down. I've barely run my AC so far this year, and usually I'm hot and bothered and can't sleep in the heat.

This next phase is about learning what all the foods on the "no" list actually do to my body and mind if I eat them. So I'm a little bit of a walking science experiment for a few weeks. I'm curious about what might happen, while also trying to control my anxiety about what might happen. All I know is that feeling lighter and knowing that my midsection is 2.5" smaller than it was when I started, along with all of the other feelings I'm experiencing offers me plenty of encouragement to keep going. I did not do this to lose weight, and I haven't weighed myself. I don't have a scale, and I won't have access to one until Tuesday. Good riddance.  It's not such an accurate measure anyway.

Food is really powerful. I knew this, but I needed a reminder. The Whole 30 has been and continues to be a great experience for me and a useful way of understanding my relationship with food.

Thoughts on Orlando

The tragic massacre in Orlando, Florida, on Sunday, June 12, has left me feeling broken, helpless, and hopeless. I don't have very much to say that's original beyond what's been said over the past three days, but here's where I stand in this moment:

1. Why are people acting surprised and shocked by this event? It will happen again and again and again. Stop living in some Fantasyland. The United States is an open society with a 2nd Amendment that protects purchasing, owning, and using high-powered, semi-automatic assault weapons. I'm told that there are policies and laws that are supposed to prevent people from gaining access to those weapons, but those policies and laws aren't always followed "to the letter." The NYPD finds all sorts of reasons to enforce laws about public urination or selling marijuana, and then we throw repeat offenders who break those laws into jail.  Where are the law enforcement officials throughout the country who are supposed to uphold these gun licensing policies and laws that I'm told will accurately and effectively screen people before purchasing a high-powered, semi-automatic weapon?

2. I am not afraid of "radical Jihadists." I am afraid of "radicalized Christians," like the man who preached on Sunday morning in California, telling his parishioners that the world was a safer place because 50 pedophiles were now dead. That is America, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry to burst the Disney-fied bubble that people like to live in, but that's the reality. And I challenge you to stand in my shoes as a gay man and try and get excited about living in a country and waving a red, white, and blue flag where that kind of rhetoric exists. I hope as you proudly hung your American flags out yesterday for Flag Day that you also took a moment to ponder how we collectively protect and even embrace an American mindset that seems to have partially led to the events on Sunday morning. Don't blame it on "Radical Islam." That's an easy out to cover over anti-gay hatred in this country that's been present far before any Muslim set foot on American soil. Religious zealotry is in the American DNA, all the way back to the Puritans, so if we really want to be Americans, we need to own all of our history, not just the parts that make us feel good on Memorial Day or Flag Day or Independence Day.

3. The Oxford English Dictionary defines "terrorism" as follows:

"The unofficial or unauthorized use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims; (originally) such practices used by a government or ruling group (freq. through paramilitary or informal armed groups) in order to maintain its control over a population; (now usually) such practices used by a clandestine or expatriate organization as a means of furthering its aims."

And a second definition:

"In extended or weakened use: the instilling of fear or terror; intimidation, coercion, bullying."

The verbal intimidation, coercion, and bullying tactics of Donald Trump and many of the other Republican leaders in this country amount to verbal terrorism based on the definition outlined above. Domestic terrorism used to control people who are afraid of others who are different from them. In the same way that ISIS is rallying people using social media, Donald Trump is doing the same thing in his public rallies and on his Twitter account. IT IS THE SAME THING AND WILL LEAD TO ANOTHER ACT OF DOMESTIC TERRORISM. It already has. Many, many times. Oklahoma City and Charleston are just two examples. "Oh, but those don't count because those guys were White." It makes me sick to even think that someone would say that, but I know that's the excuse that many Americans use and believe.

Words encourage and empower people to do things. We are beyond "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." That little adage died an ugly death in the halls of Columbine High School a long time ago. What people say matters. And what our leaders say matters even more. The United States of America is an embarrassment right now.

Thinking about the fringe...

So today I had the opportunity to be interviewed for a documentary film about the New York International Fringe Festival, also known as FringeNYC. The project is being spearheaded by filmmaker Frank Kuzler, who has been gathering footage and interviews from FringeNYC since 2006. As the festival is in its 20th year, the plan is to continue documenting this year's festival happening in August, and then the hope is for a release at some point in 2017. It's also exciting to note that I will have my fourth show at FringeNYC this year, when Jenny Macdonald premieres her solo show ENTHRONED, which I was lucky enough to develop with her and direct over the past year. Stay tuned for more about that in coming weeks!

Frank asked some great questions about what it means to be at "the fringe" or margins of society and how "the fringe" can influence mainstream culture. Not always easy to answer, but I gave it a shot. It's interesting to consider how frequently the mainstream can be affected by the margins, how the center can be pushed one way or the other by the so called "fringe." We're seeing it play out in our national political arena right now, where perceived "fringe" movements have attracted a whole lot of support. I often think of "fringe" in only quantitative ways, like as in smaller numbers, but that's not necessarily the case at all.

The conversation about the meaning of "fringe" came at a great moment. It helped me to clarify many of the thoughts that have been running through my head over the past few days. It also reminded me to reflect on the importance of community when making working in the theatre. I make performances because I like working with other people. In fact, I need to work with other people. An applied psychologist colleague once told me that I'm "such a relational guy." She's right. I don't know how else to be.

PS: I'm through 7 days of the Whole30, and I feel remarkably well. A little hungry at times, but I'm starting to understand where that hunger actually lives--in my head, most of the time. I feel less bloated, I'm eating lots of great food, and I feel way more in control of what, when, and how I'm eating. And that translates into feeling control in other areas as well. If nothing else, the Whole30 is teaching me about my relationship to food in a very powerful and noticeable way.

Tackling relationships with food

Today marks Day 1 of a project that I'm doing for the next 30 days called a Whole30. A Whole30 is basically a "nutrition reset," a commitment to eat whole, nutrient-rich, unprocessed foods for 30 days. All other foods and drinks are off limits. You can read more about the details of the program on the website.

I'm not calling this project a diet because I'm not doing it to lose weight. One of the main points of the Whole30 is to learn what processed foods, grains, dairy, and alcohol do to the body, as after 30 days, these kinds of food are reintroduced one day at a time to observe the effects on a recalibrated and healthy gut (meaning the small intestine specifically).

I don't talk about this very much, but I have a difficult time with food. I don't have a lot of self-control, particularly around foods that I like to eat, which tend to be carbohydrates and cheese. I'm fairly successful at keeping these foods out of my house, but avoiding the problem is not really addressing the problem. I also know that I use food as a distraction, eating because I feel stressed or bored or lonely or depressed. Because I exercise on a fairly regular basis and make generally decent food choices, I don't gain a lot of weight. However, that doesn't change the psychological impacts of my choices. The food and drink have more of a handle on me right now than I have a handle on them. In the last three months, I've been experiencing a heavy, bloated feeling, less energy, and less motivation to exercise. My workouts have lacked consistency as well, vacillating from good to frustrating, particularly my running. I also feel like my eating and drinking patterns have gotten a little more erratic. I read about the Whole30 and decided to give it a shot.

When I was 18, a senior in high school, I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. I went from 165lbs to 135lbs in about three months. I did it with some exercise but mostly by drastically cutting back my food intake, basically in half. It was probably the right thing to do, as I was eating a lot of garbage, particularly at lunch, but I think I lost too much weight too quickly. By the time I went away to college, I wasn't looking so good. It didn't help that I wore all of my clothes entirely too big. It was something of a style in the late 80s, but it was more because I had a completely warped sense of what size I was and what clothes I should wear.

Fast forward to 44, and my overall lifestyle is much healthier, but there are still daily challenges. What I see in the mirror and how my body feels to me doesn't entirely match what's actually there, but I've accepted that as an ongoing part of being me and also being gay in a city that tends to validate men for having zero body fat, muscles for days, and incessantly flawless skin. (Happy Pride, I think???). As I read about the Whole30, the plan made some excellent points about how processed foods, grains, and dairy can have adverse physical and psychological effects, so I'm going to see if this 30 days of cleaner eating has any psychological benefits for me as well. 

My trainer has been talking with me for a few months now about the possibility of cutting out the grains, but I've always said I could never do it. Well, here I go. There are certainly adventurous elements to this undertaking, but I'm looking forward to it. I have limited expectations about changes in my physical appearance and more curiosity about how I might feel about myself, my body, and food when it's all done. Obviously, I'll keep you posted.