GARY
Whatever you say, dear.
ALEX
Gary...?
GARY
He hates it when I say "dear".
ALEX
My grandmother who could barely see or hear towards the end would say that to my grandfather all the time. Just to shut him up. Made him furious. Drives me crazy when I hear it.
GARY
OK, enough with the dirty laundry. They’ve already seen and heard way too much and we're barely past the finger foods.
ALEX (deep breath)
So we've got an order of saag with chicken, chicken vindaloo, tandoori chicken, and the chick pea dish I can't say. Then an order of pakora, an order of samosas, and plenty of naan. Then four orders of surprise me rice. Good?
LORI
Ours is right. (raises her glass)
GARY
Double the pakora and samosas and then we're dandy.
ALEX (marking his list)
We're set. I'll place the order.
GARY
And I'll mix you a drink.
(Gary exits to the kitchen and Alex picks up his phone to call in the order.)
ALEX (while dialing)
We’re really not this bad all the time. Long week.
LORI
It’s fine. You should hear us sometimes.
JENNIFER
Lori!
LORI
Oh, c’mon. What’s the difference?
ALEX (on the phone)
Yeah, hi? . . . Yeah, it’s Alex. Right. . . . . Yeah, it’s been a couple of weeks. . . . We were away for work. Yes. Yes. Right. . . You have the number, yeah? . . . Good. Yeah, I’d like an order of the chicken saag, an order of the chicken vindaloo. . .
JENNIFER (whispering to Lori)
Just because they’re doing it doesn’t mean we have to.
LORI (taking a drink)
Whatever…
ALEX (on the phone)
No, there’s more. . . .Yeah we have some some guests. Yeah. An order of the tandoori chicken and an order of #27. . . #27. . . Right the chick pea dish. . . Yeah, that one. And then four orders of rice. . . . Uh, yeah two white rices and then surprise me with the other two. . . . Surprise me. . . .Like you make the choice. . . Our guests want to experiment. . . .YES. You make the choice for the other two. . . Hold on there’s more. . . . Yeah we’re hungry. . . . So two orders of naan, two orders of the samosas, and two orders of the pakora. . . And you send sauces, right? . . . Great. . . . Oh, no, actually, we’ll pick up. . . . Yeah, I’m serious. . . .How long will it be? . . .OK. We’ll be right there. (hangs up) The benefits and deficits of being a regular. (towards the kitchen) Gary! It’s ready in 15 minutes!
GARY (returning with Jennifer’s water)
That fast?
ALEX
He said they’re not so busy for some reason.
GARY
OK, I’ll leave now.
JENNIFER
I’ll come with you.
GARY
No, it’s fine. You should stay here and relax. You’re our guest.
JENNIFER
I’d love the walk.
GARY
But your water.
JENNIFER
It’ll be here when we get back.
ALEX
He can handle it, Jennifer. It’s just a couple of bags.
LORI (with another drink)
Let her go. She needs the walk.
JENNIFER
Yeah, thanks.
GARY
OK, then. Just let me get my wallet. (He exits to the hallway to get his wallet in their bedroom.)
LORI (to Alex)
Aren’t you gonna have another drink?
ALEX
Yeah, I was going to, but Gary never brought it in.
LORI
Huh.
ALEX
Yeah, huh.
(Gary re-enters)
ALEX
Where’s my drink?
GARY
Uh, you told me to get the food, so I didn’t mix the drink. Do you want me to do it before I leave?
ALEX
Nope. Go get the food.
GARY (towards the kitchen)
It’ll only take a minute.
ALEX
Just GO, I said. Get the food. I’m sure we’re all starving.
LORI
Ravenous!
GARY (ignoring them both, to Jennifer)
Ready?
(Jennifer nods, puts down her glass, and walks to the door.)
LORI (raising her glass)
Hurry back!
(Jennifer looks at her before leaving the apartment. Gary exits after her and shuts the door. Lori is still on the couch, and Alex is standing there.)
ALEX
Jesus.
LORI
Yeah.
ALEX
I really need a drink.
LORI
Number two is going down just fine here.
ALEX
Lemme catch up.
LORI
What are you waiting for?
(Alex heads into the kitchen, but the two continue talking.)
ALEX (offstage, sounds of cocktail shaker under conversation)
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
LORI
WHAT?
ALEX
THAT LITTLE PISSY PARTY.
LORI
OH. THAT. (she takes a drink) THAT’S JUST JEN. I MEAN “JENNIFER.” (she takes another drink) PARDON ME. NOTHING’S EASY, RIGHT?
ALEX
TELL ME ABOUT IT. (shaking stops)
LORI
I MEAN SHE CAN BE SO UPTIGHT SOMETIMES. I’M SORRY IF SHE’S MAKING THIS A REAL BUMMER. (drains the glass) SHE’S A BIT OF A WORRIER. . . . ABOUT EVERYTHING…
(Alex re-enters with his cocktail.)
ALEX (raising his glass)
Cheers!
(Lori raises her empty glass.)
ALEX
Why didn’t you tell me you needed another?
LORI
Cause I think holding right here is a better choice. At least until there’s some more food.
ALEX (scoffs)
Uh, yeah. Sorry about this. It’s just par for the course.
LORI
Not the first time?
ALEX
Not exactly. (takes a drink) Gary’s never dropped the dinner on the floor, but there are plenty of other shitty moments like this where a night gets derailed because he does something stupid.
LORI
Like what?
ALEX
Oh, there’s the time he cooked dinner for my brother and his family and used pine nuts in the sauce. We get halfway through the dinner, and my nephew’s face is bright red and his little hands are swelling. My sister-in-law asked what was in the sauce, then proceeds to scream and run for her purse.
LORI
Shit.
ALEX
Nut allergy.
LORI
Sure.
ALEX
Out comes the epi-pen and the cell phone, and the next thing I know NYPD and FDNY are in my apartment with a stretcher and my nephew is on oxygen and out the door.
LORI
Dinner is served.
ALEX
The only consolation was the hot firemen.
LORI
Amen!
ALEX
But they didn’t stay long.
LORI
Was your nephew ok?
ALEX
Fine after a night in the hospital.
LORI
Kids are resilient. How old?
ALEX
He was 7. 9 now.
LORI
Glad it turned out OK.
ALEX
They haven’t been back for dinner since.
LORI
Do you blame them?
ALEX
I guess not...
LORI
I wouldn’t have thought of Gary as someone who makes mistakes.
ALEX
No one does. He doesn’t make mistakes anywhere else. For some reason, they always happen here. In our house. On occasions like this.
LORI
Huh.
(There is silence as Alex takes another drink.)
ALEX
So…Is she always that way?
LORI
Jen?
ALEX
“Jennifer”
LORI
Ah yes, excuse me. “Jennifer.” Yeah, that’s pretty much her.
ALEX
I mean she's like you told us she would be, but I’m kinda surprised that’s who you’re with.
(Lori doesn’t say anything.)
ALEX
I mean . . . uh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that (takes a drink) That was really outta—
LORI
No, I understand. I know.
ALEX
Really, I didn’t mean anything by it, I just—
LORI
It’s OK, I’ve heard it before. Opposites attract, right?
ALEX
I’m not so sure I’d say you were opposites in the way that people mean when they say “opposites attract.” It’s just that… (finishes his drink) you’re just so different is all.
LORI
Do you mean we’re different or I’m different.
ALEX
You two seem very different.
LORI
How?
ALEX
Jennifer just acts so…
LORI
Uptight?
ALEX
It’s more than that. It’s like she’s stuck or something. Or hiding? Is that it? Hiding?
LORI
She doesn’t like to talk about herself very much. She gets mad when I tell people things about her.
ALEX
Why?
LORI
It’s complicated.
ALEX
So our time in Boston must have made her really happy.
LORI
Yeah, well, after being together for awhile, I’ve learned not to say so much. I’m pretty good when I’m sober, but loose lips sink ships, and mine get real loose with the booze.
ALEX
So she thinks we know too much about her?
LORI
She’s upset that you know about our past.
ALEX
That she was your student?
LORI
Uh, yeah.
ALEX
What’s the big deal?
LORI
No idea.
ALEX
It happens all the time, right? You academics play by a whole different set of rules when it comes to that stuff. At least that’s what I hear.
LORI
As with many things, you hear about it with the men all the time, and we just sweep it aside as boys being boys, but women are much quieter or sneakier or something. And then when it comes up, there are all sorts of eye brows raised.
ALEX
It’s no different though.
LORI
Eh, it’s a little different. Different power dynamics.
ALEX
Still teacher-student.
LORI
But different between two women. Seems to be less taboo on the surface, but then it gets all Children’s Hour.
ALEX
Children’s Hour?
LORI
It’s a play.
ALEX
Oh. I don’t know it.
LORI
No loss.
(Silence as Alex takes this in.)
ALEX
But it still upsets her that people know?
LORI
It does. She’s very private about it.
ALEX
She’s gotta know we don’t care. (gesturing around the apartment) Judgment-free zone.
LORI
Doesn’t matter. She’s fine about a lot of stuff, but not about that.
ALEX
Well, we can just tell her that—
LORI
NO, you cannot say anything. She’ll flip and we’ll never make it through dinner.
ALEX
I think you’re being way too protective.
LORI
Alex, please? You don’t have to go home with her tonight. I do. DO NOT say anything.
ALEX
OK, OK. So weird. … I can’t believe it’s such a big deal.
LORI
Believe me. It’s a big deal.